A Letter to Shinny

Dear Shinny,

Tell me why life is like this?
Tell me why love is painful
but yet wonderful?
Tell me why words are nothing
but sophisticated lies?
Tell me why happiness slips away
not long after it’s held?
Please tell me.

Dear Nighty,
Life is whatever you want it to be
It can be hard
...as hard as you want it to be
It can be light
..as light as you want it to be
The choice is in those two hands of yours.

Dear Nighty,
Love is..
It’s painful
that it makes you think of taking out your heart
and throw it into the deepest ocean
that it makes you feel like taking another heart
and chuck it into small pieces
It’s tricky
that it fools you at your smartest moments
It’s itchy
that no matter how much you scratch
the feeling will stay
But yes,
It is wonderful
It is amazing
It is indescribable
No matter how painful, tricky, and itchy
It will always be missed
It will always come over you,
sticks to your soul
like the most contagious virus
Then,
you’ll have nowhere to run nor hide.

Dear Nighty,
Words are...
a prospective way to fool any living creature
a desirable way to spread lies and promises
a thoughtful way of setting traps
Even so...
I love them
as much as you do
They can bring you up high
there in the air....in the white sky
They put glitter
there in your smokey eyes
They make you dizzy
that even the best pain killer can do nothing
but surrender to their power.

Dear Nighty,
Happiness is like smoke
It's there flying weightless,
teasing you badly,
simply to come closer
It's there to touch
but not to hold
But why feel sad?
Why confused?
Why making it hard?
It is always there...
here and around,
waiting to be reached
waiting to be found
If it slips out your tiny hands,
catch it
Jump up high,
reach it,
and keep it....as long as you can
Then,
if you lose it for the second time,
jump, reach, and catch it again!

Now...

Now...
Everything has been said
A big rock has been lifted
and thrown away
Those sharp,
small stones
have been moved
to another spot
The old pains
have been released
...a little
The aches are leaving
...a bit
The thick white fog
is clearing up
...slowly

Now...
here we are
facing each other's image
looking through
a transparent glass
gazing at each other's eyes
standing...
you before me
watching every detail
of each other's face

Now...
there's a pinch of relief
there's a lighter feeling
but
the numb somehow stays
the hole is still opened
the doubt is still there

Now...
no one moves
nobody talks
no words
no acts
not even a sound of breath
Darn silence
I loathe you
Helplessness
leave me!
Someone's gotta
.....move
.....write
write something
use that old black pen

No!!
no more writing
say something!
reach the old-new spontaneous thing
break..
break it
The silence

Now!

Doubts & Confusion

I wanna feel it again
the thrill
the butterflies
the joy
of this beautiful feeling
of Love

I wanna see it again
the sparkles
in this brownish eyes of mine
the silliness
printed on my very own smiles
whenever my dreams
my memories
my daylight thoughts
are about you

My heart's travelled this far
....for you
a long journey
through the dark shadows
pass lots of hard times
break the rocky hills
of my own horror
of my huge doubts
for this stupid
but yet
the greatest feeling of all
named Love

Days...
months...
and years....
where have they gone?
It feels like yesterday
the moment when you
whispered in my ears

My feelings
and yours...
have grown this big
like a huge ball
round and strong

but....strange.....
I woke up this morning
and saw stain of tears
on my pillow
I don't understand
what's happening
I feel numb
a big hole
of emptiness

I don't feel
the closeness
the tickles of butterflies
I've lost it
the leaps of joy

It scares me
I can't gaze the tempting image of yours
not clearly
not anymore
It's frightening me
Who are you
not that one figure
whom I used to heart much
not anymore

Where is it
the old silly thing
called Love
it's still said
it's still being written
I don't need words

I'm loosing it
the feeling
the genuine pure touch
of the simple
spontaneous expressions

I don't wanna stay here
in this mud of doubt
trapped
in this growing hole
of emptiness
but I'm afraid
I'm terrified
of loneliness

I can't stay like this
Will you do something
Should I do something
Shall we do something
I hate this confusion
leaving me in the middle
......of nowhere

I Love Holiday!

* stretch *

* yawn yawn *

* stretch stretch *

What a great feeling! Waking up in a nice bright morning and breathe the fresh air.

-taking a deep breath-
Hmmmmmmm......

Looking trough my window, I can see the green grass in the garden. I could almost see the morning dew on the tip of those small greenish leaves.

Aah.....^__^ How I love holiday! Yaay! No rushing, no going around the room to prepare this and that, no moving from one place to another under the recent extreme heat, and no leaving early and going back late in the evening. So happy!

*big smile*

Today, I just wanna relax and enjoy the day. Lazying some will be great too, so I think I’ll do that. Ah yea, I may need to clean up my messy room and put everything back on its place. My poor room! Sorry for neglecting you lately :p.

Hmmm....maybe going out to a book store is also a great idea. Who knows I’ll find new novels or comic books to buy. Great! I’ll have some reading to accompany me today J. This afternoon may be a good time to head out.

I don’t wanna think much about the things bothering my mind these past few days. No heart ache, no frowns, no long face, and no tears. I just wanna be happy, feel free, and be my self! Yeah!

^___^

Ah ya, I’m going out to a club out here tonight with my friends. It’s gonna be great! We’re gonna meet, talk, enjoy the music, dance some, and have fun together. Yaaaay!!!

How I love holiday!

On A Night Like This.....

On a night like this...
When my head aches
I wish a hand caressed me
Ahh, how great it would be

On a night like this...
When my heart's blue
I wish the rainbow sprinkled me
Ahh, how bright it would be

On a night like this...
When my mind loses way
I wish a heavy voice whispered on my ears
Ahh, how soothing it would be

On a night like this...
When my conscience fades away
I wish a strong arm held me tight
Ahh, how comfey it would be

On a night like this...
When a foggy shadow blocks my sight
I wish a dim light led me
Ahh, how relieving it would be

On a night like this...
When a dark soul takes over my mind
I wish deep loving eyes gazed on me
Ahh, how wonderful it would be

On a night like this...
When an evil dream haunts me
I wish a hearty kiss sealed me
Ahh, how incredible it would be

On a night like this...

On a night like this...........

Silly Me

I see an image
There.....
far away
I hear a laugh
There....
so close and familiar

I feel a warmth
Here...deep down
I see tears
here...in my very own eyes

I see it...there
standing quietly
waving slowly
smiling brightly
laughing cheerfully

I walk towards
I move closer
trying to touch its tempting figure
trying to breathe its heavenly incense
trying to feel its great taste
trying to kiss its salty sweat

I run and run
I'm getting closer
Ahhh....
This is it
It's right before my eyes
I can see it

Let me touch
Let me kiss
Let me taste
Let me feel

Strange...
It tastes like fog
feels like ashes
smells like dust
It melts away...
at the very moment of my touch

Weird...
is this real
or
is it just fake
Silly me
it has been all fake
FAKE

I want it real
I want it true
I want it live
I want it all

But...

Will it ever be true
Will it ever be real
I'm not sure anymore

I'm holding on
but I'm losing hope
I'm keeping up
but I'm feeling sour

I don't know where it leads
I just don't know
I can't tell
I hate it
but I'm keeping it

Silly Me.

Birthday :)

Finally, it's my birthday! ^__^

I started my day by waking up late :P I actually wanted to wake up early just to enjoy my early morning and think about things I've done the past 12 months. But since I got home late from a b'day dinner last night, around 11 pm, and went beddy around 12 am, I woke up late.

I was shocked when I saw my watch. It's 5:30 am already. I had to leave for work at 6 am, so it left me only 30 minutes to shower, to get dressed, and to prepare things. Phew! What a rush!

When I was running around to prepare some stuffs, I heard my cell-phone ringing for 5 or 6 times, showing that there were some sms in my inbox, but I just ignored them as I didn't have time to check. So, off I went to the place where the office driver usually picks me up. Not long after getting in the car, I checked all the sms I got. I was really happy as I read all of them, for they were all from my friends. They wished me a happy birthday. It was a great feeling to know that my friends cared to bother themselves to send me a b'day wish early in the morning.

I felt even better when my students in class X-2 at St. Carolus Junior High School wished me a happy b'day. They all shook my hands. I gave them a big smile as I said "Thank You. Thank You. Thank You".

A birthday wish.
Very simple, but it does mean a lot.
It's good just to know that the people around you remember your birthday.
Thank you, friends!

Things went pretty well today, though I had a problem with my stomach. I'm not sure what's wrong, but I've felt the pain since morning. Maybe it's because of my period time. I've never had this kind of pain before, though.

Ah ya, I got a present from one of my colleagues, Ms. Ria. Well, we're not really close to each other, but it was great to know that she knew my b'day while in fact I never told her about it. Maybe she got the info from my other colleague. So, I got this two-piece yellow pajamas with cute bears pictures everywhere. I like it a lot. Thank You, Ms. Ria. I love you :) hehehe....

Hmmm....who doesn't like gifts? especially birthday gifts :) I always feel happy whenever I get one. Gifts are great! It's never about the value that makes it special. It's more on the sincerity of giving something to someone you care about. However, a wish is worth even more.

So now, I'm thinking about myself. Am I a better person person? Have I done good things this past year? Have I been a good daughter? Have I made my mother happy these past 12 months? Have I been a good sister? Have I succeeded in reaching the things I have always dreamt of?

Well, there are so many questions I have in mind, but I'm not sure I can provide good answers.

Hmm....I can't say that I'm a better 'me' now. I've made so many mistakes. I've neglected some important things that I used to care about. But if I look back and see myself back then, I think I've achieved a few good things in my personal life and carreer. Thus, somehow, I guess I'm a bit better "myself" now. I wish.

I regret all the failures and mistakes that I've made, but life is about moving forward. So, I'll just leave all the bad things behind. Starting from today, I really want to do my best for myself and the people I love so much. I'll still try hard to make my dreams come true. However, I won't make it too hard on me. I just wanna enjoy my life :)

I hope I can give my mother more attention and make her happy. She's really a great mother. She's not perfect at all, but that's why I lover her so much. I love you, Mom !

It's been a hard year for my family. I haven't been that patient, especially when it concerns my sister. So, I hope I can be a better big sister for her. You've made me angry and hurt so many times sis, but I love You !

And dear brother, we haven't been as close as in our old times this past year, so I don't really know what has been going on in your life, but I do wish for your success. You've been a harder person these past few years, but I still love you !

Last but not least, thanks God for so many blessings I've got this past year. I'm really grateful. Really really grateful ! How lucky I am ! :)

What a birthday!
THANK YOU !

Do I feel comfortable with myself?

That's the question that I have been asking myself lately.

Well, I never bother much about my weight and else, at least not like I used to when I was in senior high and my early years in the university. Maturity and experiences have changed the way I see myself a lot. Having some nice close friends around me has also brought possitive effect on me. It's good to be able to see everything I have in me, both physically and mentally, in a more positive way. It has helped me greatly in building my self-confidence.

I've gained some weight these past 3 months. I wasn't really aware of it, not until some weeks ago. Some people I know, whom I haven't seen much lately, told me that I looked fatter than before. My response was only a big smile and a little laugh. I told them that I had been eating much and my appetite had been good.

Well, I've actually realized it since 1.5 or 2 months ago. I've felt that I don't fit my old jeans and skirts anymore. I have to admit that this unfitted stuff has bothered me a bit. Well, it's not about the extra fat I have in almost every part of body. What I've put into my consideration is that I don't wanna buy new pants for a few reasons. First, buying new pants means wasting my money as I've been in a pretty tight budget these past few months, so I'm not thinking of doing it. Second, my old pants are still in a good condition, so why buy new ones?

My mother always tells me that young women should look fresh and healthy. For her, skinny women look ugly because they look older than their real age. In this case, I agree with her. I don't wanna be skinny either, for it makes me look less beautiful :p hehehehe. My close friends, especially my best friend, Carla, always says that women should have curves, and these curves are formed by the fat they have in some parts of their bodies. I'm really of the same opinion. Women should have fat in their belly, for that makes them look like 'real women'. It's just too bad that so many women get too obsessed with 'flatness'. Women should be soft (the good kind of softness), not hard, for that what differs them from men.

I don't wanna join the "obsessed" crowd. Why should I? I'm not a model and don't wanna be any. What I want is to make myself comfortable and happy. I still wanna keep some fat here and there, especially in the right places *wink* hehehe...

So, do I feel comfortable with myself?
I think I feel quite comfortable. I should make myself comfortable, for there are a lot more important things to be my concerns..other than this getting fat issue.

Yeah right! The key is making ourselves comfortable. Why should bother much with the buzz around you, telling that you're fat and chubby. Bah!

However, I'm thinking of reducing my weight, maybe about 2 kg, just to fit my old pants and to make me more energetic. Perhaps, I'll just control my recent snacking habit (I've found this a hard-to-hold temptation) and try to exercise more. I haven't exercised at all recently, I mean real exercise like jogging on Sunday morning or doing some aerobics in a gym.

So, wish me luck!

^__+

I Luv Them

I used to think that teaching kindergarten students wouldn't be as fun as teaching teenagers.
I thought that I wouldn't like them as much as I like high school students.
I thought that I wouldn't be able to perform my best in teaching them.
I thought teaching them was a big waste of energy.
I thought teaching them wouldn't give me much satisfaction.
I thought..........

Well, I was WRONG !

I've found out that they are the best creatures, for they have the least lies and the purest heart.
I now love teaching them as much as teaching my high school students, even more sometimes.
I've found out that I can perform well, as well as teaching the other levels.
I've found out that teaching them isn't a waste of energy at all.
Well, it's indeed tiring to handle 5 and 6 years old students, but seeing how much they enjoy the lesson and the way they show their enthusiasm are really worth it.
In fact, teaching them really gives me satisfaction.

They are amazing!
They tell you what they think.
They show you what they feel.
They love you because they do like you.
They may make you laugh and angry at the same time.
They attract your attention in simplest and unbelievable ways.
No lies! (at least not the kind of lies I usually find :) )

They are really cute!
Look at those cute little faces.
Look at those small hands.
Look at those breath-taking smiles.
Look at those beautiful eyes.
Look at those naughty actions.
WoW!

And this morning, one of my super duper active students came over me and told me,

"Miss Rina, Miss Rina...."

"Yes, Acel?"

"Today is my birthday"

"Oh, really? Is it really your birthday today?"

"Yes, Miss!"

"Well then, Happy Birthday Acel!"

He moved his head and showed me his cheeks as he smiled. I just couldn't hold my laugh as I saw that. He was asking me for a birthday kiss. WoW ! ^__^ It's really a great feeling to find out that my students like me, while in fact I haven't been teaching them long. I then bent down and kissed both of his cheeks as I repeated my Happy Birthday wish.

My kindergarten students......

Aahh, How I luv them! :)