Sunday, January 23, 2005

"Bastard" ~ How it all started

There is this guy. He's a friend of the family. Well, he's originally the friend of a relative. If I am to describe him...he's got average weight, average height for Indonesian male, wavy shoulder-length black hair, and big seductive black eyes. On a first sight, I can say that he's “NoT BaD”.

People, especially females who know him would describe him as ‘charming’. Honestly, I used to have the same opinion. His nice voice is even a plus to make females, both teenagers and adults..even children fall for him. What a property, eh?! In fact, he's a singer. He used to be a lead vocalist of a band. He still sings occasionally. Well, shortly, he's got things that girls like.

The first time I saw him was in a family & friends’ gathering about 5 or 6 years ago. He came with my relatives. My first impression was he’s pretty cool and good looking. I was a bit curious about who he was. I thought at first that he was one of my relatives’ boy friend, for the way they talked to each other and looked at each other were different. But I found out later that he’s just a friend.

As time passed by, the whole family, except me, got to know him better as one of my closest relatives, whom I usually call “Aunt Sisca”, always came with him to almost every gathering and party that our family held. However, I never talked to him much, not more than sharing small talks as I didn’t see the importance of it. So, most of his personal details I got were from everybody in the family, including that he’s been married before and was in the process of filing a divorce. He’s also got 2 children.

“WoW! Really?”

That’s what I told myself. It was quite surprising as he looked too young for a married man with 2 kids. I didn’t know his age, but I guessed that he must be 25 or so. Not long after that I knew that he got married when he was 20 or 21. It was a ‘married by accident’. His wife was already pregnant for 5 or 6 months before he finally took the responsibility of marrying her.

So, because of his frequent presence in family’s parties and gatherings, I automatically knew him deeper. He was nice, loving, helpful, entertaining, considerate, and ..charming. I could have had a crush on him as I had almost all reasons for it, except two. The first reason was I already had a boy friend, and the other one was I didn't feel anything special. Besides, I never had the thought of having a crush on a widower. Gosh ! Why should I? There are so many young single guys out there.

After 1.5 years, his presence had become ‘a must’. Everybody liked him because of his nice personality and required him to come. He sometimes sang on a karaoke....with my aunts, uncles, and mother to entertain all. Whenever my aunts, some close relatives, and I were out somewhere, he was always there. I then got used to his presence. We often had nice chats and good arguments on some interesting topics. But later on, I felt something different in the way he looked at me during our chats. His eyes looked......I didn’t know how to describe them, but I started to question myself what they meant. I was thinking that he might have a crush on me or something, but then I washed that thought away from my mind. I told myself, “ Naaahhh. Don’t exaggerate! He’s just being nice. That’s how he looks at and treats every creature called woman. Besides, he’s my aunt’s friend, a widower, so it’s impossible that he’s got other intention.” So, I kept telling myself that there was nothing special in his behaviour. I was a bit uneasy dealing with his eyes, smiles, and moves at first, but then I tried to get used to them and behaved normally.

Time flew by.

I didn't take most of his stares and moves uneasily anymore. In fact, we both got along very well, just like friends. Everything went okay, until one day we exchanged cell-phone number. I don't remember how it started, but I agreed to give my number simply because I thought it was a normal thing to do. Besides, we had known for almost 2 years. I never thought that giving him my number was a huge mistake.

One day, a few weeks after exchanging number, I sent him an sms. It was one with a funny story which I got from a friend. I'm not sure what made me do it, but I meant it just for fun, for I sometimes forwarded some funny sms I got from friends to my other friends. Not long after sending it, he sent me a reply. I don't remember what he wrote exactly, but it was a sort of "Hi. What are you doing? and blah blah blah..."

I then replied his message and told him that I was at my aunt's place. I thought he would stop replying after a few other sms, but I was wrong. A few minutes after sending my last reply, my cell-phone rang. It was him calling. I was a bit surprised, but I didn't have any strange thoughts about it. So, I just answered it. We talked for a while over the phone. It was just a normal talk, nothing special. When I was about to end the conversation, he asked me if he could call me again in the evening that day. I said, "OKAY".
If I think about it now, WHAT AN ANSWER it was!!....coming out from a stupid innocent girl!

That stupid answer then trapped me in an evil web, which ruined my days later, even just for a moment. I should have known that this bastard had actually set a bad plan for me.


That evening, he did call me. As usual, he spoke to me in his nice charming way. It was a nice talk, but we didn’t talk long as it was really expensive to talk over the cell-phone. Before I hung up, he said that he wanted to chat more and asked me my cousin’s home number. So, I just gave it to him. Hmmm...speaking about analyzing myself now....Why did I let him lengthen our conversation? I think it's because I enjoyed talking with him much. He was a really good listener and advisor. Maybe he still is. Well, to be frank, this stupid young woman was actually letting herself fall into a trap.

It was a pretty nice normal chat we had on the phone that nite. Well, it wasn't special at all, but I laughed much. He did, too. To speak the truth, I actually felt a bit strange there...deeeeep in my heart. I mean having a chat, just the two of us...and on the phone. It had never crashed into my mind before. I had never talked with him without other people's presence. Honestly, there was a little argument between me and my conscience. A part of me tried to take that different move of him normally, but my other self warned me that it was just.......not right.

He's my aunt's friend, someone who lately seems to have a secret affair with Aunt Sisca, a married woman who happens to be having a marriage problem with her husband. He’s actually not the best choice to hang out with, although he's only 4 years older than me.

However, this silly girl preferred to ignore it and just took it all easy.

Friday, January 14, 2005


"Met Pagi"
(Good Morning)

Opening my eyes and taking a deep breath....

Feel the fresh morning air.

Looking at the ceiling and think, " What's the day?"

" Ah, it's Saturday"

*sigh & relieved*

I'm smiling to myself. ^__^ "Cool! No rushing. No early shower"

Lying in bed again and hugging my pillow, I'm thinking of the new comics I read last night before beddy.

“hahahahaha...." remembering some of the funny and stupid scenes in "HEART". Well, it's not a 'that' good comic book, but I like it. The drawing itself is good, especially the male characters. And the female character...."Yume" Hmmm, she's super duper stupid, innocent, and clumsy.....but underneath it all, she's got pure loving heart. So, that's the point! - H E A R T -

And today, in this relaxing morning...just another Saturday morning, my heart is fine.

I'm smiling again. ^________^ This time, a big one.

This is how my mornings should be. Relaxing and Comforting. My favourite part of the day.

It feels good to lay my head on my comfey big pillow. It's like I can think of all my dreams and wishes...picture myself in the future. How would it be? How would it feel like?

^_____^ another smile

I think it would be great. I would feel good.

"Am I a dreamer? Do you think?"

Well, in a way...I think I am.

"Aren't we dreamers?" I asked myself.

Dreamers of our own dreams?