Monday, February 28, 2005

"Bastard" ~ Taking Action

I was extremely angry after hearing such rubbish. I know I was really emotional that I didn't even bother myself to think twice when I dialled his cell number. I was super ready to say everything I had in my head, but it wasn't him who answered. It was aunt sisca. WoW! What a 'pleasant' surprise! I was really disappointed with her as well. I thought she was someone worth respecting. Well, I was truly wrong. Her love for that piece of rubbish had blinded her.

So, I directly got to the point in telling her what had actually happened between him and me and made it clear to her that I was really mad with everything I'd just found out. I thought keeping it all for myself would be the best thing.

She was surprised to hear me talking to her like that, for she knew me as an independent young woman who was nice and sweet. Well, she didn't know me well enough! From most of her answers it was obvious that she tried to defend him as much as she could, but I refused to take it all easy. Asking me to forget everything and just leave all behind?! Gosh! What the hell she was thinking? If it concerned me myself, I might not give a damn, but it concerned my mother. MOM! The one person whom I love much, who has suffered enough in her life. How come she expected me to shut my mouth up knowing everyone behaving nicely in front of me and mom and pretended they knew nothing while in fact they insulted her behind her back. And truly hated the idea of some gossipers, who happened to be my relatives spreading lies about us.

They thought they were dealing with a young innocent woman who could be fooled easily with a few nice comforting words. Ha ha ha!!! Where did they get that idea?

For a few days aunt sisca kept trying to ask me forget the problem, but I insisted to clarify things. I requested to have a meeting, aunt sisca, her niece, him, and myself, together in a room. Finally, after a week, she agreed to do so, but she wanted to have it at her place. So, there we were in her living room. I let her talk first and said whatever she wanted to say. Then I came up with all truths, which some of them were denied by that super jerk. Gosh ! How dare him! Still denying things which obviously were the facts.

I just wanted to test you.
It hurt my ego as a man when you said, " I don't wanna waste my time for men who don't even know what they want in life, who hide behind their manly properties, and who're proud of themselves for being good-looking and having a wealthy family." So, I had kept it all in my mind since then and promised myself that I wanted to make you fall on your knees and beg for my attention.
Luckily I realized that it was a wrong thing to do the test on you. Therefore, I decided to stop it before I really made you fall in love with me, for I noticed that you were going that way.
And the fact that you're sisca's relative made me feel bad doing it.

GOSH!!! What shits were those?

Luckily I could provide convincing facts with 3 witnesses, my sister and my 2 close friends. I told them every single word of his craps as well. Luckily I remember them all. He couldn't say much then. I could even see aunt sisca turned red when she heard those things. Ha ha ha!!! Gotcha!

I told him afterwards, "Wow! What a guy you are, huh! Experimenting your ego-theory on young women. You must have got some satisfaction from it. Cool! Should I admire you for that?!"

"I've got a few questions. What do you get from your test? Pride?"
"Does it always feel good to do such a thing?"

"Well, I thought you were a nice mature guy that I foolishly let myself deceived by your fake behaviour and smiles."
"I thought I was doing a good thing by receiving your calls and listening to your problems."
"Darn! How stupid I was!"
"Luckily I refused all your outing offers.""Luckily I didn't let your fake charms contaminating me deeper."
"I just can't imagine what other lies you would make up!"

"And one thing, whatever kind of men I like and whatever I think about them is none of your business!"

I felt such a great relief that night after making all things clear to everybody. I know that at that very moment I should have regretted it that I ever knew him, but I didn't. In fact, I was truly greatful that I knew such a guy in my life. If I hadn't experienced it, I would have never known that there were guys like him in this world.

I really learnt my lessons.

Saturday, February 26, 2005

"Bastard" ~ Knowing The Truth

Someone whom once I knew charming and nice in fact is just a big jerk!

One night, a phone-call woke me up. It was about midnight and I was already asleep. Well, my fault that I didn't turn my cell-phone off. When I looked at the caller-ID, I knew it was him calling. I let it ring for some minutes before I finally decided to answer it.

From his voice, it was clear that he was a bit drunk.

"How many glasses did you have?"

"I don't know. I didn't count. Maybe about 2 bottles."

"So, what's wrong?" I directly got to the point.

He then told me that he was depressed. He had some probs with his business and personal things. I didn't comment much as I thought it would be useless to talk much to a drunk guy. I decided not to give any comment either when he said that it was partly my fault that I always had my excuses whenever he asked me out.

"I need a hug. I need someone to comfort me. I want you."

I didn't want to take the bait. Why would make things more complicated than it had been? So, I just let him say whatever he wanted.

"I know that 2 bottles are nothing to you. But you know they won't help you solve things."

"I know. But I can't help it."

"Well, I know how much you like drinking, but you've gotta stop it. You can't get away from your problems. Face them! Life isn't easy. You just have to deal with it and find the ways out. "

He seemed to take everything I said and admitted that he was wrong and I was right. After almost an hour, I decided to end our conversation. I couldn't talk longer as it was almost 2 a.m. He said he was sorry to wake me up in the middle of the night, but he had nobody else to talk he just had to call me.

I guess my frequent refusals and reluctance had made him really mad that one day he sent me an sms which sounded ridiculously absurd. I sent him a reply afterwards, asking why on earth he did that. I hated him the very moment he wrote me all those shits. I was really angry that I directly dialled his cell number. I definitely wanted an explanation.

DAMN him! He turned off his cell-phone. Damn childish!

Since then, it was very hard to contact him. I tried calling and sending him sms, but nothing worked out. He turned off his cell most of the time. I even thought that he had changed his cell number. Darn! I couldn’t stand it. I hated it that I was left without any explanation. I’d been nice to him, listened to all his problems, and treated him properly. And look what he did!!!

Well, if he expected me to leave my boyfriend or even worse...cheated on him for a man with his quality, he could go to hell! I was really eager to punch him with my own two hands.

It took me almost 3 months to get over it. I still met him occasionally in family gatherings since then, but I didn't want to talk to him, even just for small talks. It's just too bad that I still had to behave like nothing happened in front of my family and relatives. That's why I always had excuses not to come to parties and gatherings as I wasn't sure that I could really control myself from punching his nose.

I thought that things were over and everything was okay, but in fact I was completely wrong. I found out the truth one evening, when aunt sisca's niece was staying at my place for a night. My sister, she, and I were talking about our relative who had just married a man of her parents' choice. I don't remember how we finally got into talking about 'him', but what I heard really made me angry.

I was after him for almost 2 years.
I made calls almost every night so that I got more chances to talk to him.
I showed my special feeling for him very obviuosly that made him a bit annoyed.
I begged him to ask me out simply to be able to stay around him as much as possible.
I was mad at him when he didn't invite me at his small b'day party that I avoid talking to him in some gatherings and parties held after the day.
I kept calling him even after I knew that his status was still 'married'. (Gosh! I didn't know about this at all. The last time I heard he was divorcing)

Damn Bastard! He had spread all those rubbish to some of my close relatives that he always hung out with. And the worse was they had been talking about it all behind my back for months and felt pity for my mother for having a daughter like me. Darn! How dare him turned all facts into dirty lies!!! I should have known that he's just nothing but a real jerk!

What a truth!

Wednesday, February 23, 2005

"Bastard" ~ Finding Conscience

It’s always easy to lose yourself in the game.

“What’s your plan today?”

“I’m going to the book store. I need to get some books, and then I’m going to my private student’s place. Why asking?”

“Hmmm....Can I catch you there?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. I won’t be long there.”

“It’s okay. I need to talk about something. We can do it while you’re searching for the books you want.”

“Well, I don’t think you can catch me there on time. I’ll probably have left the place by the time you arrive.”

“I won’t.”

“Well, if you insist.....Fine.”

It surprised me that he managed to get there fast. I was about to leave the bookstore when he came. For a moment, I just stared at him. I was thinking that he was just wasting his time catching me on last minutes.

He stared back at me, longer than he should. I felt a bit awkward as it was the first time I saw him again after some months of phone-talks. Hard to believe, huh? Well, it is, but that’s what happened. I always had my excuses to refuse his offers of going out. No matter how much I enjoyed talking with him, I didn’t want to let it go any further. I have to admit that I was a bit carried away with the situation he set up, but I couldn’t let myself cheat on my boyfriend. I just couldn’t.

"Hi. I was about to leave."

"Thanks for not leaving sooner. I tried to be as fast as I could."
"I could have got here faster if my car hadn't been fixed. So, I decided to take a taxi."

"I see."

" look thinner. Are you sick?"

"Nope. It's just too much work lately."
"Seems like your hair has grown longer. Feel like playing in a band again?"

"Naah. Nothing particular. I just don't feel like having it cut."

"Anyway, I've got to rush. I'm teaching my private student in 30 minutes."
"Sorry that it has taken you long to get here just for nothing. I can't stay longer. I don't wanna be late."

"Are you going to take a 'bemo'?"

"I planned so, but it seems that I have to get a taxi if i don't wanna be late."

"Where's your student's home?"

"It's in Nirwana Eksekutif. Why?"

"Hum, how about me dropping you there as I wanna go to my friend's place."
"He lives nearby your student's. So, we are on the same direction. I'm taking a taxi anyway."

After thinking for a moment, I finally agreed. So, we both got out of the bookstore and tried to find a taxi. When I was trying to cross the street, he just suddenly grabbed my left hand and held it tightly in his and dragged me. I was stunned. What's this?! I'm capable enough to cross the street!

I didn't like that treatment. Well, I know it's just a simple thing. I shouldn't have made a fuss on it, but I couldn't help it. I never like 'a super gentleman' attitudes, particularly from a guy who's not even my close friend yet. It wasn't even a busy street. I wanted to protest, but then I just forgot the idea as it wouldn't look nice to do it in front of public. So, I just followed him into the taxi he managed to stop.

It was rather awkward inside the cab. He was trying to keep my hand in his, but I could feel that he was unsure about it himself. I felt uncomfortable with the situation, so I decided to take the inisiative of cutting the contact. I then tried to behave as normal as I could and he did too. However, I refused to have too many eye-contacts as the way he stared at me was like he could swallow me at once. Well, we weren't strangers at all, especially after so many phone calls we had, and I shouldn't have felt uneasy with everything. But, it was just different to face it myself, I mean doing it face to face. Gosh! I'm not trying to deny anything, but I wasn't ready for that at all. Honestly, I didn't even want to prepare myself for any further feelings nor moves.

Since then, he tried to make more contacts. I remember once, it was his birthday. I didn't know about it at all, not untill he called and told me that it was his big day. So, I just wished him a happy birthday and wished him success. After some small talks, he said that he was having a small celebration with some of his friends in a pretty famous club in town and invited me to join. I could hear the sound of music and people talking over the phone. I hesitated for a moment, but then decided to refuse it with the most reasonable excuse I could think of. He tried to change my mind by offering a pick up. Well, the idea of going out and relaxing after some weeks of crazy work schedule was actually tempting. However, it sounded risky for me. Hanging out with his friends who might knew my relative 'aunt sisca' was absolutely a bad idea. I didn't want to make any troubles and misunderstandings, which would involve my family and put our good relationship at risk. Aunt Sisca seemed to have a big crush on him and in fact she still is. I once caught her staring at my other relative who was having a chat with him. It was a sort of "stay away from him" stare. I disliked the idea of making her jealous. So, I finally made him accept my refusal. I knew he was really disappointed, but he just had to accept it.

A week after his birthday, I started to feel annoyed by him. He became more demanding and began to show some jealousy. He asked whom I went out with and whether I went out with my male or female friends. And what I hated the most was he requested me to speak to him in a softer tone just like what he did. Darn! What the hell! He's not even my boyfriend. Well, my boyfriend never asked me such a rediculous thing. Gosh ! I just couldn't believe what I heard.

"What?! Don't ever ask me to change the way I speak. Nobody ever complains about it. Besides, I think my tone is okay. You just have to take it!"

I don't remember what it was exactly that made me change the whole ideas about him, but I came to realize that allowing him to get closer to me, even as a friend, was a big mistake.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005

"Bastard" ~ Loosing Conscience

"Anyone knows that I'm calling you at the moment?"
That's what he asked me after talking for almost an hour on the phone.

"Nope. Only my sister."

"Good. Keep it that way! At least for now."


It sounded strange to me that he wanted to keep his call as a secret. It just didn't make sense....OR....maybe I was actually worried that a part of myself was right.

"Nothing. Just wondering if anyone in the house knows that I'm the one you are talkimg with. Well, you know how narrow-minded people can be sometimes."

"Well, I don't see anything wrong with this. We're just t-a-l-k-i-n-g. Everyone here knows you quite well. So, why should worrying about it. I don't understand."

"Please don't get it wrong. I just don't want any misunderstanding, at least not now. "


"Please, don't argue this time. Okay?"

"I still don't get it. But, okay. I'll just do it your way this time," I finally gave my agreement.

We continued talking for another 30 minutes, then I decided to cut the call as it was really late and I needed my beddy. After hanging up the phone, I stood in the silence for a while.....trying to figure out what was happening. There was a voice in my head saying, " Are you crazy?! He's your aunt's friend!"

"So what? What's wrong with it? I'm not doing anything wrong. It was just a call from a friend of the family. Besides, he's a nice person."

"Oh, Come on ! Don't be so naive! Do you think his intention is just like the idea you have in your stupid brain?!"

"I'm not naive! I'm almost 23. I can decide things for myself."
"And..Don't exaggerate things! I don't even have any feelings for him...not something more than friendship. Well, I take him as a friend now. So, stop telling me about what's wrong and right!"

Since then, he made frequent calls both to my cell-phone and home numbers. He sent me sms almost every day as well. Most of them were just saying 'hi', asking how my day's going, and telling me how his day had been. After a few days receiving his calls and sms, I got used to that big change he was making between us. In fact, after some time, his calls were more on telling me his problems and asking me for a second opinion.

When I remember back then, I used to be the kind of person who helped anybody I knew without thinking much about myself as well as the consequences . I was a girl who always thought positively about the people around me. My best friend often told me not to be so naive and not to believe people blindly. Well, I guess that's why I didn't feel his calls annoying or something. Frankly, I felt glad that I could help.

How naive I was!

Things went deeper after some months. He became addicted to calling me almost every night when everyone in the house was already asleep. He told me almost everything he was thinking and feeling. I sometimes felt like a counselor who was listening to her client's problem, but I was okay with it.

Six months frequent calls might have given him the thought that he was getting closer to me. So, he started to ask me about my boyfriend, about how my relationship was going, and how my feelings were for him. It surprised me that he wanted to know much about it all, for he had never asked that before.

“Why are you asking?”
“My boyfriend and I are okay. Well, we haven’t been in touch much lately, but things are fine.”

“Naah, nothing particular. I was just wondering. Good if things are okay between you.”
“Do you think long-distance relationship works out well anyway?”

“Well, I have no guarantee that mine is going to work out fine, but my boyfriend and I are working on it. So, why not giving it a try?”

He didn’t ask more about my bf after that answer I gave him. Instead, he told me that talking to me made him felt better and happier, that I had become an important part of his life, and that he felt really lucky to get to know me. (Yeah right!)

THAT was shocking. To me, it sounded like something. For a moment, I didn’t know how to react. It was such a big change. He had never said things as straightly and clearly as that before.

“Excuse me? What was that supposed to mean?"

“Ummm....just wanted you to know you’ve given me such a big help. You’re really something. That’s all I can tell you.”

“Well, you’re most welcome. Glad I can help.”

After our last conversation, his calls sounded more seductive, but I didn’t take them as seriously as they should be. Instead, I often took most them as jokes, which made him upset sometimes. Well, I’ve got to admire how smoothly and cleverly he expressed his intention in words that it sometimes scared me. Words! He’s just really good with them. To me, he didn’t sound like any widower with 2 children, or maybe he was the only widower I knew quite well that I didn’t have anyone to compare. I often forgot that he had been married once.

Things started to get a bit out of hands. On his side, talking to me had become a need. While on my side, I often had this strange feeling, like there was something missing if he failed to call or send sms. Well, I never meant to lead things between him and me into something further or deeper (though I knew clearly that his intention was there), but he took my acceptance of his calls as a ‘yes’ sign.

Gosh! What the hell I was thinking? I guess I was loosing my conscience.

Stupid, eh? But I couldn’t help it.