"Bastard" ~ Finding Conscience

It’s always easy to lose yourself in the game.


“What’s your plan today?”

“I’m going to the book store. I need to get some books, and then I’m going to my private student’s place. Why asking?”

“Hmmm....Can I catch you there?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. I won’t be long there.”

“It’s okay. I need to talk about something. We can do it while you’re searching for the books you want.”

“Well, I don’t think you can catch me there on time. I’ll probably have left the place by the time you arrive.”

“I won’t.”

“Well, if you insist.....Fine.”

It surprised me that he managed to get there fast. I was about to leave the bookstore when he came. For a moment, I just stared at him. I was thinking that he was just wasting his time catching me on last minutes.

He stared back at me, longer than he should. I felt a bit awkward as it was the first time I saw him again after some months of phone-talks. Hard to believe, huh? Well, it is, but that’s what happened. I always had my excuses to refuse his offers of going out. No matter how much I enjoyed talking with him, I didn’t want to let it go any further. I have to admit that I was a bit carried away with the situation he set up, but I couldn’t let myself cheat on my boyfriend. I just couldn’t.

"Hi. I was about to leave."

"Thanks for not leaving sooner. I tried to be as fast as I could."
"I could have got here faster if my car hadn't been fixed. So, I decided to take a taxi."

"I see."

"Hmmm...you look thinner. Are you sick?"

"Nope. It's just too much work lately."
"Seems like your hair has grown longer. Feel like playing in a band again?"

"Naah. Nothing particular. I just don't feel like having it cut."

"Okay."
"Anyway, I've got to rush. I'm teaching my private student in 30 minutes."
"Sorry that it has taken you long to get here just for nothing. I can't stay longer. I don't wanna be late."

"Are you going to take a 'bemo'?"

"I planned so, but it seems that I have to get a taxi if i don't wanna be late."

"Where's your student's home?"

"It's in Nirwana Eksekutif. Why?"

"Hum, how about me dropping you there as I wanna go to my friend's place."
"He lives nearby your student's. So, we are on the same direction. I'm taking a taxi anyway."

After thinking for a moment, I finally agreed. So, we both got out of the bookstore and tried to find a taxi. When I was trying to cross the street, he just suddenly grabbed my left hand and held it tightly in his and dragged me. I was stunned. What's this?! I'm capable enough to cross the street!

I didn't like that treatment. Well, I know it's just a simple thing. I shouldn't have made a fuss on it, but I couldn't help it. I never like 'a super gentleman' attitudes, particularly from a guy who's not even my close friend yet. It wasn't even a busy street. I wanted to protest, but then I just forgot the idea as it wouldn't look nice to do it in front of public. So, I just followed him into the taxi he managed to stop.

It was rather awkward inside the cab. He was trying to keep my hand in his, but I could feel that he was unsure about it himself. I felt uncomfortable with the situation, so I decided to take the inisiative of cutting the contact. I then tried to behave as normal as I could and he did too. However, I refused to have too many eye-contacts as the way he stared at me was like he could swallow me at once. Well, we weren't strangers at all, especially after so many phone calls we had, and I shouldn't have felt uneasy with everything. But, it was just different to face it myself, I mean doing it face to face. Gosh! I'm not trying to deny anything, but I wasn't ready for that at all. Honestly, I didn't even want to prepare myself for any further feelings nor moves.

Since then, he tried to make more contacts. I remember once, it was his birthday. I didn't know about it at all, not untill he called and told me that it was his big day. So, I just wished him a happy birthday and wished him success. After some small talks, he said that he was having a small celebration with some of his friends in a pretty famous club in town and invited me to join. I could hear the sound of music and people talking over the phone. I hesitated for a moment, but then decided to refuse it with the most reasonable excuse I could think of. He tried to change my mind by offering a pick up. Well, the idea of going out and relaxing after some weeks of crazy work schedule was actually tempting. However, it sounded risky for me. Hanging out with his friends who might knew my relative 'aunt sisca' was absolutely a bad idea. I didn't want to make any troubles and misunderstandings, which would involve my family and put our good relationship at risk. Aunt Sisca seemed to have a big crush on him and in fact she still is. I once caught her staring at my other relative who was having a chat with him. It was a sort of "stay away from him" stare. I disliked the idea of making her jealous. So, I finally made him accept my refusal. I knew he was really disappointed, but he just had to accept it.

A week after his birthday, I started to feel annoyed by him. He became more demanding and began to show some jealousy. He asked whom I went out with and whether I went out with my male or female friends. And what I hated the most was he requested me to speak to him in a softer tone just like what he did. Darn! What the hell! He's not even my boyfriend. Well, my boyfriend never asked me such a rediculous thing. Gosh ! I just couldn't believe what I heard.

"What?! Don't ever ask me to change the way I speak. Nobody ever complains about it. Besides, I think my tone is okay. You just have to take it!"

I don't remember what it was exactly that made me change the whole ideas about him, but I came to realize that allowing him to get closer to me, even as a friend, was a big mistake.