Tuesday, February 08, 2005
"Bastard" ~ Loosing Conscience
"Anyone knows that I'm calling you at the moment?"
That's what he asked me after talking for almost an hour on the phone.
"Nope. Only my sister."
"Good. Keep it that way! At least for now."
It sounded strange to me that he wanted to keep his call as a secret. It just didn't make sense....OR....maybe I was actually worried that a part of myself was right.
"Nothing. Just wondering if anyone in the house knows that I'm the one you are talkimg with. Well, you know how narrow-minded people can be sometimes."
"Well, I don't see anything wrong with this. We're just t-a-l-k-i-n-g. Everyone here knows you quite well. So, why should worrying about it. I don't understand."
"Please don't get it wrong. I just don't want any misunderstanding, at least not now. "
"Please, don't argue this time. Okay?"
"I still don't get it. But, okay. I'll just do it your way this time," I finally gave my agreement.
We continued talking for another 30 minutes, then I decided to cut the call as it was really late and I needed my beddy. After hanging up the phone, I stood in the silence for a while.....trying to figure out what was happening. There was a voice in my head saying, " Are you crazy?! He's your aunt's friend!"
"So what? What's wrong with it? I'm not doing anything wrong. It was just a call from a friend of the family. Besides, he's a nice person."
"Oh, Come on ! Don't be so naive! Do you think his intention is just like the idea you have in your stupid brain?!"
"I'm not naive! I'm almost 23. I can decide things for myself."
"And..Don't exaggerate things! I don't even have any feelings for him...not something more than friendship. Well, I take him as a friend now. So, stop telling me about what's wrong and right!"
Since then, he made frequent calls both to my cell-phone and home numbers. He sent me sms almost every day as well. Most of them were just saying 'hi', asking how my day's going, and telling me how his day had been. After a few days receiving his calls and sms, I got used to that big change he was making between us. In fact, after some time, his calls were more on telling me his problems and asking me for a second opinion.
When I remember back then, I used to be the kind of person who helped anybody I knew without thinking much about myself as well as the consequences . I was a girl who always thought positively about the people around me. My best friend often told me not to be so naive and not to believe people blindly. Well, I guess that's why I didn't feel his calls annoying or something. Frankly, I felt glad that I could help.
How naive I was!
Things went deeper after some months. He became addicted to calling me almost every night when everyone in the house was already asleep. He told me almost everything he was thinking and feeling. I sometimes felt like a counselor who was listening to her client's problem, but I was okay with it.
Six months frequent calls might have given him the thought that he was getting closer to me. So, he started to ask me about my boyfriend, about how my relationship was going, and how my feelings were for him. It surprised me that he wanted to know much about it all, for he had never asked that before.
“Why are you asking?”
“My boyfriend and I are okay. Well, we haven’t been in touch much lately, but things are fine.”
“Naah, nothing particular. I was just wondering. Good if things are okay between you.”
“Do you think long-distance relationship works out well anyway?”
“Well, I have no guarantee that mine is going to work out fine, but my boyfriend and I are working on it. So, why not giving it a try?”
He didn’t ask more about my bf after that answer I gave him. Instead, he told me that talking to me made him felt better and happier, that I had become an important part of his life, and that he felt really lucky to get to know me. (Yeah right!)
THAT was shocking. To me, it sounded like something. For a moment, I didn’t know how to react. It was such a big change. He had never said things as straightly and clearly as that before.
“Excuse me? What was that supposed to mean?"
“Ummm....just wanted you to know you’ve given me such a big help. You’re really something. That’s all I can tell you.”
“Well, you’re most welcome. Glad I can help.”
After our last conversation, his calls sounded more seductive, but I didn’t take them as seriously as they should be. Instead, I often took most them as jokes, which made him upset sometimes. Well, I’ve got to admire how smoothly and cleverly he expressed his intention in words that it sometimes scared me. Words! He’s just really good with them. To me, he didn’t sound like any widower with 2 children, or maybe he was the only widower I knew quite well that I didn’t have anyone to compare. I often forgot that he had been married once.
Things started to get a bit out of hands. On his side, talking to me had become a need. While on my side, I often had this strange feeling, like there was something missing if he failed to call or send sms. Well, I never meant to lead things between him and me into something further or deeper (though I knew clearly that his intention was there), but he took my acceptance of his calls as a ‘yes’ sign.
Gosh! What the hell I was thinking? I guess I was loosing my conscience.
Stupid, eh? But I couldn’t help it.