There have been so many feelings, especially since I decided to take a break from my full-time job. It was supposed to be a 'holidaying' time, just like I had planned long before I thought of quitting my job at MLT. It was planned to be a 3-month of self-indulgence.
In fact, it wasn't.
My big trip to Singapore & Malaysia had to be cancelled even though I had bought the online tickets like months before. It was indeed a big disappointment.
Then there was a smaller plan of spending a few days in Bali. At first I wanted to go by myself and just relax while enjoying anything Bali always has to offer. But, Carla came up with the idea of going together as it has been a long time since we last went on a trip together. I thought it would be a great thing. I then adjusted my private teaching schedule with her few months' break from EF. As time flew by and the day of the trip approaching, plans were just plans. I ended up staying in Surabaya and Carla flew to Lombok instead of Bali to meet her British guy. Luckily, I hadn't bought any tickets as I had had a feeling that she would call off the Bali trip. I was right. I was disappointed but had to deal with my own disappointments as it wasn't my right to interfere her life, in this case her love life, no matter how long we've been best friends. Everyone has the right to pursue happiness, including her.
Next, it was a re-plan. Bali was still my destination. This time it was with Mariza, an old friend of mine from university. Surprisingly, ( I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was indeed) she gave me her doubts just a day before I called the agent. I could have gone to Bali just like I had wanted, but I had lost my mood.
With some family problems I had to deal and other things in my mind, I couldn't handle more disappointments.
Now that I look back and think about everything, I realize that no matter how good you've been friends with somebody, in the end it's the family who will always be there for you. It's weird. It has never crossed my mind that I would ever feel or think like this. There is always a first time, I believe.
Experiencing how someone can be so close with you during hard times but put you aside during good times is a new thing for me. People can just dump you, look for you when they need you, and dump you again. So, it's strange to be feeling this way.
Perhaps it's just time for everyone to pursue their own dreams.
For me, it's now time to really think about the future. First thing in line is buying my own house. I've never really felt like 'home' whenever I come home. It's been so many years of moving from one place to another place. So, it should be time now to take it to a serious level. I don't know what future will bring. I might marry someone from another city or even another country that requires me to move. However, a house will never be a waste of money. It's a good investment after all.
I always tell the people that I know that life is a choice. I know I don't always make the right choice, but I'll deal with the consequences. Moreover, I now see friendship from a different perspective. I still value it much as I don't think I can live without my friends. Friends are friends. They will always be.