Not Mine

Is it a home?
It is....but not mine
It's his and hers
It's never mine
There's too much of the past
of old images and memories
There was first love and desire
There are new stories and chapters
Still....it's not a home
not mine...
Someday.....will be
A place of mine and my little one's
A place where this heart can linger and stay
Someday....
I believe

Entering marriage life

It's the 2nd month of me being a wife. Till 8 months ago never I thought that I would be meeting someone that never crossed my imagination nor would I be married to him this soon. But, that's life....we never know what lies ahead. It felt like yesterday when it all started. Things happened so fast from dating to proposal, then to marriage and soon to be a mother.

This is something new for me. I'm sure most newly-weds would say the same thing. Me...someone who has been super independent, now is learning how to share a lot of things with someone else. Well, I'm not saying that I never share things with other people, it's just it's so different. It's not that easy to share some of your thoughts, especially private ones to somebody else, even your most loved one.

Just within two months, there are some major changes and a few big surprises. It takes a lot of considerations to make the best decisions. There are moments when I just wanna be selfish, but I'm no longer single again. I now have someone whom I'm sharing a life with. So, whatever happens...we just have to stick together and deal with it.

Despite the problems, I do enjoy being a married woman. I would say it's like a journey. It's exciting, surprising, unpredictable, emotional sometimes (or is it just me being sensitive pregnant woman :p), and.... Well, it's just undescribable :) Indeed!

Hope & Fear

Feeling it....

gives me hope
lifts my feet a bit off the ground
adds a little green and yellow to my grey days
makes me alive

Feeling it....

gives me fear
of uncertainty and heartbreak
gives me doubts
of tomorrow and the day after
gives me pain
of haunting past and old story

I wanna believe it
............... lean on it
................ keep it
and breathe it

God help me........

Ambition

Mrs. Wee : Ms, Stacey failed in her semi-final. I thought you
had given her similar exercises that I asked you for the competition.

Me : I did give her a lot of exercises that were similar like you showed me.
In fact, those exercises covered higher level of structure, grammar,
and vocabulary.
Mrs. Wee : Then how come she failed in the semi-final?
Me : Well, the thing is we only had two meetings for the preparation,
so it was impossible to do and discuss all the exercises. She had to
study by herself and study all the notes I left her.
Mrs. Wee : (shouting) Did you hear that Stacey?
You told me you had studied everything!
You should have prepared yourself better! You didn't try
hard enough that you failed in the competition!
Stacey : It wasn't as simple as that, mom!!!
Besides, why are you making it such a big deal?!
I've done my best!
Mrs. Wee : (with her angry face) Ms, Stacey is much smarter than
Clarissa (stacey's cousin), isn't she?
I believe she's in a higher level than her. Clarissa can't be better than
my daugther!
Me : (speechless and not sure what to say) Well, Clarissa did much
for last year's singapore's scholarship program.......
Mrs. Wee : But she can't be better than Stacey, can she? That can't be possible!

What a day! That's a part of a quite uncomfortable situation with the mother of a private student a few days ago. In order not to keep it long, I finally said that Stacey was smarter and better than Clarissa. There was no point(not that time) of telling her that in fact Clarissa is better than her daughter, that her daughter often forgets many things I've explained in our previous meetings, and that she's not willing to try for the scholarship test(she asked me not to tell her mom this one thing).

Not long after that, Stacey shouted at her mom, "Why are you always comparing me with everyone?! I'm tired of being compared! I'm depressed!I've done my best"

Luckily it was time to end her lesson but not time yet for me to leave. It was her little brother's turn next. I thought Mrs. Wee would be wise enough to wait until I left their house to shout more and express her disappointments towards her daughter. In fact, I heard more shouts coming from her room and followed by Stacey's weep.

I felt so uncomfortable and angry. How could she be so heartless and pushy. She wants her daughter to be the winner in every competition. Fine, losing is disappointing but not something to be excessively shameful of. Hasn't she failed at least once in her life? Is getting top scores in every subject a guarantee for a better future? Parents....can be so.......Gosh!!