RinAku- Feelings & Thoughts

1.5 years of motherhood

2011-10-25T18:15:00.005+07:00

It's been such a long time since I last blogged that sometimes I forget that I actually do have a blog. Anyways, what a life it has been. It is just unpredictable. Some things are just even better than what I once thought while some others are more complicated. Still, I'm grateful that I can go through my every-day life as a working mother and a wife.

So, has it really been 1.5 years? Sometimes I feel that it was just yesterday when I delivered my super active little Maxi in that small hospital. Being a working mother is really a lot of work. There were some considerations before I finally signed myself in Embassy-my present work place, while keeping my private teaching job. On one hand, I didn't want to lose any moments of maxi's little actions. On the other hand, despite the need to get new challenges, I had to support the family financially.

Well, talking about motherhood, I am now used to having unsound sleep and backaches (hope it's not because I'm getting older :p) and taking anemia supplements every now and then, especially when I feel dizzy due to sleepless nights. Now I know why the word 'sacrifice' would best describe a mother.

Spending some time with maxi every morning before I leave for Embassy or private teaching is just priceless and irreplaceable. It's amazing to witness every single progress and growth of a baby. I do not have the time to read my fav novels anymore as by the time maxi is asleep, I have house chores to do or I am too tired and sleepy to even read the first few lines of the first page. Still, I will never replace my quality time with maxi with anything, even it's a week self-indulging trip to the best holiday spot :)

Well, what can I say? Maxi is now my world! [well, it doesn't mean that you're not part of my world too, hubby baby :)]

Not Mine

2009-12-25T16:53:00.004+07:00

Is it a home?
It is....but not mine
It's his and hers
It's never mine
There's too much of the past
of old images and memories
There was first love and desire
There are new stories and chapters
Still....it's not a home
not mine...
Someday.....will be
A place of mine and my little one's
A place where this heart can linger and stay
Someday....
I believe

Entering marriage life

2009-11-16T13:54:00.003+07:00

It's the 2nd month of me being a wife. Till 8 months ago never I thought that I would be meeting someone that never crossed my imagination nor would I be married to him this soon. But, that's life....we never know what lies ahead. It felt like yesterday when it all started. Things happened so fast from dating to proposal, then to marriage and soon to be a mother.

This is something new for me. I'm sure most newly-weds would say the same thing. Me...someone who has been super independent, now is learning how to share a lot of things with someone else. Well, I'm not saying that I never share things with other people, it's just it's so different. It's not that easy to share some of your thoughts, especially private ones to somebody else, even your most loved one.

Just within two months, there are some major changes and a few big surprises. It takes a lot of considerations to make the best decisions. There are moments when I just wanna be selfish, but I'm no longer single again. I now have someone whom I'm sharing a life with. So, whatever happens...we just have to stick together and deal with it.

Despite the problems, I do enjoy being a married woman. I would say it's like a journey. It's exciting, surprising, unpredictable, emotional sometimes (or is it just me being sensitive pregnant woman :p), and.... Well, it's just undescribable :) Indeed!

Hope & Fear

2009-05-11T23:13:00.001+07:00

Feeling it....

gives me hope
lifts my feet a bit off the ground
adds a little green and yellow to my grey days
makes me alive

Feeling it....

gives me fear
of uncertainty and heartbreak
gives me doubts
of tomorrow and the day after
gives me pain
of haunting past and old story

I wanna believe it
............... lean on it
................ keep it
and breathe it

God help me........

Ambition

2009-03-22T22:01:00.010+07:00

Mrs. Wee : Ms, Stacey failed in her semi-final. I thought you
had given her similar exercises that I asked you for the competition.

Me : I did give her a lot of exercises that were similar like you showed me.
In fact, those exercises covered higher level of structure, grammar,
and vocabulary.
Mrs. Wee : Then how come she failed in the semi-final?
Me : Well, the thing is we only had two meetings for the preparation,
so it was impossible to do and discuss all the exercises. She had to
study by herself and study all the notes I left her.
Mrs. Wee : (shouting) Did you hear that Stacey?
You told me you had studied everything!
You should have prepared yourself better! You didn't try
hard enough that you failed in the competition!
Stacey : It wasn't as simple as that, mom!!!
Besides, why are you making it such a big deal?!
I've done my best!
Mrs. Wee : (with her angry face) Ms, Stacey is much smarter than
Clarissa (stacey's cousin), isn't she?
I believe she's in a higher level than her. Clarissa can't be better than
my daugther!
Me : (speechless and not sure what to say) Well, Clarissa did much
for last year's singapore's scholarship program.......
Mrs. Wee : But she can't be better than Stacey, can she? That can't be possible!

What a day! That's a part of a quite uncomfortable situation with the mother of a private student a few days ago. In order not to keep it long, I finally said that Stacey was smarter and better than Clarissa. There was no point(not that time) of telling her that in fact Clarissa is better than her daughter, that her daughter often forgets many things I've explained in our previous meetings, and that she's not willing to try for the scholarship test(she asked me not to tell her mom this one thing).

Not long after that, Stacey shouted at her mom, "Why are you always comparing me with everyone?! I'm tired of being compared! I'm depressed!I've done my best"

Luckily it was time to end her lesson but not time yet for me to leave. It was her little brother's turn next. I thought Mrs. Wee would be wise enough to wait until I left their house to shout more and express her disappointments towards her daughter. In fact, I heard more shouts coming from her room and followed by Stacey's weep.

I felt so uncomfortable and angry. How could she be so heartless and pushy. She wants her daughter to be the winner in every competition. Fine, losing is disappointing but not something to be excessively shameful of. Hasn't she failed at least once in her life? Is getting top scores in every subject a guarantee for a better future? Parents....can be so.......Gosh!!

Birthday

2008-11-03T20:36:00.003+07:00

Monday, November 3, 2008 -- Today is mom's birthday. We're having family dinner. Some very close relatives are coming, too. Like our typical manadonese b'day dinner, there's always super hot & spicy food. We even have mango and chocolate pudding for dessert. The only thing that we don't have this time is a birthday cake. Mom said it's a waste of money when we already have much food served on the table. That's my mom! :) She would prefer spending the money for daily needs to something like a birthday cake on her birthday. Happy Birthday, Mom!

What a morning!

2008-11-03T09:19:00.003+07:00

I'm back to Surabaya again. I was planning to call in sick (though i'm not), but I'm 'too' responsible to do it. I'm feeling exhausted and sleepy after a long trip back from Bali to Surabaya. What's ironic is my manager texted me when I just got in and put my bags. He asked me to handle his classes 2day while I actually have my own. Great!!! "I've got to meet somebody at another school unit," he said. He could've chosen another day. He knows that we're out of teachers, but he's doing it again. Yeah right! What a perfect way to start a long work day.

Moving in

2008-08-09T18:18:00.001+07:00

Finally, tomorrow is gonna be the time 2 move in! It's gonna be a busy sunday as we're moving the electronic appliances and other things like the books i need for private teaching and else from my old place to the new one.As much as the excitement I feel 4 a bigger house with a better neighborhood & facilities, I hate the moving. It takes weeks for me to pack and unpack. Phew! However, I'm happy 2 have a change,especially after some unpleasant experiences I've had.A new place means a new hope, a new & better life, and hopefully, a new boyfriend :p

Moving on

2008-07-20T08:23:00.001+07:00

Finally.....

I'm not sure what I'm feeling right now, but I'm relieved that it's finally over. I've known it for long that it's going nowhere. Someone once called me a 'keeper'. Now that I look back and see everything that has happened, I think I am a keeper. It's just I probably often keep things that aren't worth-keeping.
Despite my nature of being a considerate person, I have to learn not to always consider too many things when making decisions.

Well, life is full of surprises and things happen for a reason. So, this must be time to really open my eyes and see in a better perspective. It's been 8 years of various feelings and happenings. I probably have wasted those years for nothing, but it was the choice that I made. I've learned some of this and that, so it's not a complete waste of time after all.

Tomorrow should be a better start ( I plan to spend my day sleeping, though :p ). It's time to move on :)

Another year

2008-07-13T23:18:00.002+07:00

It's another year.....

to think
to reconsider
to clean up the mess
to learn
to heal

and in the end....

to be free.

Happy New Year

2007-12-24T15:23:00.000+07:00

December has always been one of the few months I've always looked forward to these past 5 years. It's at the same time the busiest and craziest month of the year (especially the first 2 weeks of it). Still, it's worth waiting.

There have been a lot of things going on this year. Now that the end of the year is approaching, I begin to think of what I should do better next year. So many things didn't go well but I think I did what I could. Despite all the problems and disappointments in friendship and future plans, I'm grateful of the blessings I've got this year. It's not always easy to be grateful when you are to deal with more and more problems. I now see a lot of things from different angles. Hopefully, I can be a better me next year.

It's good that I can slow down and relax some after crazy months of work, work and work!!! No particular plans for this holiday nor people to spend time with. But, it's sometimes best to have nothing particular to do as it gives you chance to do just whatever you feel like doing.

Well, I believe there will be so many things to do and dreams to fulfill in the coming new year, so I wish every one HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS,too ! ^_+

A wrong decision?

2007-10-14T23:45:00.000+07:00

It's been almost a month since I got back working full-time at MLT again. So many things have gone wrong. I see how messy things are at the company now. Losing 2 of their best full-time workers and me being almost 3 months off-work seem to make everyone, especially the manager overwhelmed.

My first 1.5 weeks back to work was quite a disappointment. They cut my salary without confirming it with me. They claimed that I still owed them some money on the loan I took last year. I was like 'what the hell is this?' I remember that the loan thing was done right when I finished my previous contract. It's just crazy. After some arguments with the manager that made me find out how bad their administration system is, I finally got my money back.

Then, just a week ago, when Pak Win (the manager) called me to give me my "Hari Raya" bonus, I was shocked that they cut it as much as Rp 700,000 with a ridiculous reason.
"Ms.Rina, the board of directors have considered that it would be reasonable to cut 1/3 of your yearly bonus as you didn't work for us for 3 months.''
DAMN them!!!
For God's sake! I wasn't paid either. And it was them who BEGGED me to stay when I told them I wouldn't sign a renewal contract. It was them who offered me a few months off instead of letting me go. GOSH!

Now that I know their true self, I will not do more than what I have to. I've always given people a second chance. They've got their 3rd chance, but I know now that they didn't deserve it. I don't want to regret the decision I've made, for I don't have time for it. I'll just think about my small dream house.

My house :)

After a long time.....

2007-10-14T22:19:00.000+07:00

Weird....disappointed....heartbroken....greatful...

There have been so many feelings, especially since I decided to take a break from my full-time job. It was supposed to be a 'holidaying' time, just like I had planned long before I thought of quitting my job at MLT. It was planned to be a 3-month of self-indulgence.

In fact, it wasn't.

My big trip to Singapore & Malaysia had to be cancelled even though I had bought the online tickets like months before. It was indeed a big disappointment.

Then there was a smaller plan of spending a few days in Bali. At first I wanted to go by myself and just relax while enjoying anything Bali always has to offer. But, Carla came up with the idea of going together as it has been a long time since we last went on a trip together. I thought it would be a great thing. I then adjusted my private teaching schedule with her few months' break from EF. As time flew by and the day of the trip approaching, plans were just plans. I ended up staying in Surabaya and Carla flew to Lombok instead of Bali to meet her British guy. Luckily, I hadn't bought any tickets as I had had a feeling that she would call off the Bali trip. I was right. I was disappointed but had to deal with my own disappointments as it wasn't my right to interfere her life, in this case her love life, no matter how long we've been best friends. Everyone has the right to pursue happiness, including her.

Next, it was a re-plan. Bali was still my destination. This time it was with Mariza, an old friend of mine from university. Surprisingly, ( I shouldn't have been surprised, but I was indeed) she gave me her doubts just a day before I called the agent. I could have gone to Bali just like I had wanted, but I had lost my mood.

With some family problems I had to deal and other things in my mind, I couldn't handle more disappointments.

Now that I look back and think about everything, I realize that no matter how good you've been friends with somebody, in the end it's the family who will always be there for you. It's weird. It has never crossed my mind that I would ever feel or think like this. There is always a first time, I believe.

Experiencing how someone can be so close with you during hard times but put you aside during good times is a new thing for me. People can just dump you, look for you when they need you, and dump you again. So, it's strange to be feeling this way.

Perhaps it's just time for everyone to pursue their own dreams.

For me, it's now time to really think about the future. First thing in line is buying my own house. I've never really felt like 'home' whenever I come home. It's been so many years of moving from one place to another place. So, it should be time now to take it to a serious level. I don't know what future will bring. I might marry someone from another city or even another country that requires me to move. However, a house will never be a waste of money. It's a good investment after all.

I always tell the people that I know that life is a choice. I know I don't always make the right choice, but I'll deal with the consequences. Moreover, I now see friendship from a different perspective. I still value it much as I don't think I can live without my friends. Friends are friends. They will always be.

2006-12-25T22:36:00.000+07:00

It's all coming back now
A day of the past
A figure and a heart
A butterfly and a sparkling star

It was blinding
A night of remembrance
Sweet words and smiles
A warm squeeze and a light touch of lips

It was almost unreal
Unsaid feelings and promises
Just a hint
Just a gaze

Holiday! Finally!

2006-12-25T21:49:00.000+07:00

Yay! Holiday time! Finally :)

I'm so happy that I finally get here after 3 weeks of stressful days.
I'm just glad that I managed to get through the hardest time of the year.
It's time to pamper myself and just do whatever I feel like to. These 9 days aren't gonna be spent in Bali like what I have planned,
but I'm gonna enjoy every minute of it.

Home sweet home! That's what my holiday time gonna be. Carla is now home for Christmas and Jun is in town, too. So, I think I'll hang out with them sometime this week. I don't know what I'll do on New Year's eve as I haven't got any plans for it. I may end up staying home.... just watching TV, dining out with my 2 best friends, or getting together with my relatives to have a little New Year's celebration.

It's sad that i don't have my most important communication device, which is my beloved old cell-phone. It's been a week I haven't been able to contact anybody nor be contacted. I'm lost. All the important numbers are saved there. I should have written all those numbers in my organizer instead of
depending too much on a cell-phone :( Stupid thing, eh?

Well, I wish everybody a wonderful holiday time. HAPPY HOLIDAY!

90 %

2006-11-12T20:47:00.000+07:00

A lot of things have happened at work since the last time I blogged about the company, the manager, their promises, and my complaints. It's about 7.5 months to go to July 2nd, the day of my freedom. I'm counting days now.

I've told everybody at work, except my manager, about my leaving. I plan to tell him 3 months before the 'd' day as what the procedure requires. It's been a lot of stress and I can't work at a place that talks about quality much but do less to keep it. I do care about education and my students. It's been almost 4 years that I have this attached feeling, which means something for me. It was not money that I had on my top list when I accepted this job. Well, it is damn important but isn't everything. I was happy and proud that I'm part of the team, which really cares about good quality education. I could proudly talk about the program and else when people asked me about MLT, the institution I've been working for these 3.5 years. But now, I really can't do so as I don't feel the same anymore.

Some people that I know, minus my best friends, told me that it's stupid to give up the position I have now plus the promotion I'll get next year. In fact, I don't care about position nor promotion!

Well, despite all inconsistencies and else I've been complaining about, I still have to thank them for everything I've learnt these 3.5 years. I'll always remember all the fun and good things I had with everybody at work. But that's it! It's 90%.

I'm leaving :)

A baby to come

2006-08-13T20:54:00.000+07:00

It's just so true that people may set whatever plans they want, but God decides everything.

When I was a child I imagined that someday I would see my sister and brother be married in a happy wedding party..where everybody would put their best smile and wish the happy newly-wed couple a great happiness. What a nice child's dream it was.

Now, I don't think I can see that happens to my troubled but beloved sister. It's sad, but what's done is done. There's no use of crying over spilt milk.

I may not be able to see my sis in either my or her wedding dream, but I will see the greatest creature in the universe to come...a baby.So, soon...I'm gonna be "auntie Rina". How does it sound? Still hard for me to believe as I've never imagined it would be this soon. However, it should be great.

It's just funny and weird at the same time. To be married in rush and have a baby in less than 6 months...gosh! I'm sure it was THAT striking for her when she found out that she's pregnant. Being married to a man who doesn't have the intention of marrying her is just like a disaster. At least, that's not what a woman expects in her life. Now I wish we lived in other countries that don't even bother other people's business!

Well, I don't know what future brings her, but I will always hope for the best for her. Let the past be past.I also hope she can be a good mother (with the assistance of our beloved mother, of course! hehehe).

No matter how many arguments we've had since we both were little girls, I love you SIS.

Narrow-minded

2006-07-16T20:51:00.000+07:00

It's been long since I last wrote here. A lot of things have happened, but I think I will post some stories about them later.

So, I know this girl who introduced herself online as sandra from UK. I didn't know who this girl was until she greeted me on yahoo messenger. When I first got her friend's request, I was surprised as females don't normally get request from the same sex. So, I was wondering how this girl got my e-mail address. Then, on the same time I finally decided to accept her request, I was checking all the e-mails I got. I happened to open some mails from a friend who sent me some pictures of places, people working, and scenery. I noticed that in all the "to" part, there was this same e-mail address that seemed like a person's name that was similar to this girl's name. I then assumed that she must be the friend of my friend.

So, one day when I was online, she said 'hi'. As a normal reaction I said 'hi' back to her as I was curious whether she was really my friend's friend. After some introduction of name and country, she started to tell me about business things. She mentioned that she had just inherited some money from her father and was thinking of investing it on something. She then asked me about what's good for investment in Indonesia then I told her what I knew.

Anyway, I asked her how she got my yahoo's address, but she didn't wanna tell me. I thought okay, that was her right, but I was just wondering what's hard about mentioning it. Well, she probably had her own reasons.

Out talk went further about her asking me to invest my money on the business she wanted to do.I was a bit shocked as I don't meet people like that often. I mean, you don't ask someone on internet you hardly know and even never meet in person to invest his or her money on your business. I tried to be nice by telling her that I didn't have the money for investment. Well, I was telling her the truth anyway. She then tried to convince me and wanted to give her bank account's number.

That's just pushy for me. I started not to like this person. I never like pushy people. However, I still tried to treat her properly till the end of the chat. It wasn't a long chat anyway as I had to go home.

And today, I saw an offline message from her telling me that I'm deceiving myself and that she doesn't need me. And what's so funny is she called me "you, someone from a terrorist country!" What the hell was that?!!

I guess I logged out of yahoo at almost the same time she logged in. Well, internet here can be so slow that messages are transferred lated. She must have thought that I didn't wanna talk to her or perhaps set myself invisible. Well, I sometimes do that 'invisible' setting when I don't wanna talk to people that I don't wish to talk to or perhaps when I'm busy doing some work things online. I've started doing that eversince some people on my list keep annoying me with their questions and other things eventhough I set my status "busy". Some of them even got angry when I told them that I would talk to them when I was not busy.

Well, I know I can't expect everybody to have a broader way of thinking, but it was just annoying to hear someone calls you 'a terrorist( implicitly, though)'.DARN! Did she ever go to school and learn about respecting other people and other cultures? I know that a lot of things have happened in this country...the bombings, the terrorist label that has been attached since the first bali's blast, the-one of the most corrupting countries in the world-label, and others. In other words, we don't really have a good reputation now. However, it's just so silly to generalize things like what she did. I think she really needs some brainwash.

It was just too bad. I was hoping she was someone nice inspite the pushy impression she gave me on our first chat. She's the friend of my good friend, so I thought she was a quite okay person. But, I think you never really know people, even those who are around you, don't you?

Weird world

2006-05-05T20:11:00.000+07:00

I never really realized how this world and life could be so weird. I know it now that I just have to exeperience it myself.

It's been a long pause since I last posted something here. I've missed blogging so much and actually have had so many in my head which need to be expressed, but somehow it was hard for me to type. I'm not sure why. I'll figure it out later.

My best friend, Carla, has moved out to this small town in Middle Java called "Tegal". I always know her as a big traveller, but never really crossed my mind that she would ever work outside Surabaya though she had told me many times about working in another town or even another country. She moved out last week. I've given her a few calls ever since she moved out just to know how's everything in her new place. We won't hang out like we used to anymore, but this is just what she needs and perhaps what I need. We never know what life's planned for us, don't we?

It was just strange how things were before Carla left. This circle of friends...Carla-Me-Jun. I regret for what have happened, but can't turn back as life must go on. Now Jun and Carla don't talk to each other anymore. These two best friends of mine who have strong and controlling charateristic. I hate to see them like this, but nothing much for me to do as I've done my best. I hope time will help a bit, though they still need to talk about everything right face to face.

And there's this american guy named Dimitri who happen to know Carla and me....and finally Jun. So, the three of us know him. I don't know whether it's a guy thing or what. Or maybe it's just me who just have to know more guys to be able to understand more how they behave or think. He's actually quite a fun person. He's someone who's compatible enough if you wanna argue about quite various topics. However, after what have happened I can't value him as much as I did. I think that's because he started everything with a lie, at least that's how I see it. Then, there came a few more lies here and there. I treated him badly the last time I met him, which was an unexpected one. I know I shouldn't have treated him that way, but I just couldn't help it. For me, he somehow took part in making things worse between jun and carla. This is all just so silly and weird.

Above all, I found out another side of these two friends whom I care about. I won't say this side is bad or good as it's just a part of them. I will just try to understand and accept it. That's they way they are. It's not that easy to understand people, even those who are around you. Don't you think?

Things aren't that good with my personal life. But, I shall survive. I just hope someday when I look back, I know that I've done my best.

I have to move on. Everybody does.

I thought I knew

2006-05-05T19:55:00.000+07:00

I thought I knew myself
I thought I knew her
I thought I knew him
I thought I knew them

I was wrong

I am more than her
She's more than me
She's more than us
We are more than him

She thought she knew her
He thought he knew me
They thought they knew me
We thought we knew her

We were wrong

In fact...
We never knew

Believe...

2005-12-23T23:40:00.000+07:00

I believe in life
He believes in himself
You believe in the universe
Why she doesn't?

They believe rains will clear up
He believes tomorrow will be better
You believe loneliness isn't forever
Why she doesn't?

He believes in hopes
You believe in chances
They believe in miracles
Why she doesn't?

I believe time will heal
They believe pain will fade away
He believes love will come in his way
Why she doesn't?

I remember...

2005-12-14T21:33:00.000+07:00

just a memory of the past

I remember back then
when full moon was shining
when tiny stars were sparkling
right above me

I remember back then
when you were there
when I was here
staring at each other
through a purple glass

I remember back then
when dreams were in the air
when heartbeats were inevitable
when thoughts were simple

I remember back then
when feelings were intense
when touches felt like real
simply comforting

I remember back then
when words were almost enough
when a blow of kiss was almost blinding
when a whisper heated all senses
when promises were almost true

Back then…
just before anger took over
calmness slipped away
patience reached an edge
pains gripped the heart
just before….
I sent you away

Alone

2005-12-07T23:08:00.000+07:00

Quietness,
that's what she needs
to be left alone
no supreme expectations
less request and pressure

Staying inside her thoughts
dreams and hopes
no shadows of yesterday
nor future
Only peace for her very own-self

A slow-down
that's what she wants
a rest of mind and soul
in her own world
yet still realizing the noise around
the pain and excitement

Just some time
Just herself
Alone

One Night

2005-11-29T22:47:00.000+07:00

Blinking her eyes
getting rid of this blocking fog
dark, white, and grey
so thick and heavy

Sweats.....
everywhere and all over
she can't stand the heat
the pain of the light
hurting her bare skin

Heartbeats....
pounding and racing rapidly
so ultimately
leave her voluptuous-self breathless

Her beautiful mind frozen
caught for a moment
trapped in a nowhere
found herself staring here
there and everywhere

Staring at her pathetic gorgeous soul
in a glass of shadow
in dusky light
questioning herself
...the figure mirrored
wondering about now,
then and tomorrow
doubting her, him, you, and them

Tonight,
this night,
Just one night.

Stressed, Depressed, Happy, and Everything

2005-11-25T16:02:00.000+07:00

November, it's one of the busiest months at work. There is always so much work to do...and of course, dead lines to deal with. Phew! So, whenever november comes, I can't help but feeling stressed and depressed.

It's just funny to see that everyone at the office has been grumbling about how much workload they have. It's our 3rd year working at MLT. We still have another 1.5 years to put up with all the attributes of the institution. I just can't wait till the contract is over. I've made up my mind not to stay with them after July 2007. And it seems that some of the senior full-time employees have the same idea. I don't care about promotion and else that they have offered me. So, that's it!

Things at school are more or less the same. Some students are showing a good progress, while some others aren't. My students at VIIc-class have driven me nuts. I've been feeling like teaching a group of jungle creatures. They are just.....phew! I can't even describe them in words. But, I love them anyway :)

At the senior high school, we have had listening session this past week. Most of the students seemed to like the song much. Even the teachers are in love with it that whenever we hang out during break time, we always sing it. It might just like another love song that people listen to every day. However, I like the words. It's not even a popular song that you hear on the radio. I didn't even know about the singer, Darlene Zschech, not until Ms. Nina, one of my best work-mates, told me about her and promoted this song Everything about You.

I've got some new friends and have been talking to them quite often lately. It's just nice to meet new people, see different angles, and talk about so many things from different point of view. It's simply a good thing to socialize with people who click.

Anyway, I really can't wait for the upcoming holiday!!! I just wanna sleep, sleep, sleep (again :p hehehe), play games, read books, and do fun and relaxing things ^__+

Miscellaneous

2005-11-12T21:24:00.000+07:00

Work has been the same, though things aren't back to normal super hectic and stressing days. Perhaps the scent of 'lebaran' is still lingering. I miss those 7 lazying days. I always love holidays. Well, who doesn't? ^_+ It's time to slow down from routine things, to eat ( :p that's why I've gained 2 kgs), to relax, to read books, to watch vcds, to date ( too bad I didn't have anyone to date last holiday :( ) , to sleep, and to do whatever fun things that make me happy.

Life has been harder and harder each day. I'm not sure anymore....what kind of future I'm holding in this crazy world. I still have faith in many things, though. It's scarry to see how things are getting more and more expensive while salaries are not going any higher (not including those people who call themselves 'wakil rakyat-people's representative)'. Crimes are everywhere. Someone may get angry easily and kill others because of a very simple and stupid reason. There are more people around me who only think of working on their own profit and be happy over others' misfortunes. I can hardly imagine how someone with a wife and children, who earns only 500,000 IDR (US$ 50) would live. How sad this condition is.

There have been some adjustments I've been doing these past 3 weeks, like no more going here and there by taxi (unless for very urgent things), no more regular shopping, no more buying unimportant fancy things, reducing my weekly 'hang out at excelso' habit, and reducing clubbing nights at desperado with close friends. So in other words, it's about self-control and setting priorities.

Phew!

I just can't wait for my next trip. It's still about 2 months away. I haven't booked any tickets yet, but have done some online searches and checkings. I hope I can get a good offer in a month :)

and....Jack Johnson is still my favourite. I still can't get rid of him and his music. He's really a good singer!

Another new thing is I've just had my computer cleaned and reinstalled. No more spywares, errors, and viruses. I just can't understand why those people create viruses and ruin things. Bah! So glad that opening files is fast and easy now. What a relief! I should thank Valens for helping me ( well, it's not free, but I hope he won't charge me that much, hehehe :p ).

Ciao!
^_+

Time like this...

2005-11-06T22:29:00.000+07:00

Inspired by Jack Johnson

At a time like this
when life is slowing down
when devils are taking a break
from their basic chores
when her complicated-self ...
is winding down
resting her mind,
weary soul,
and crampy legs

Forget those cruelties around
Leave the same old-brand new pain
there...far away
Ignore doubts
and uncertainty
And just be selfish
Be simple

It's just great
that great!

Untittled

2005-10-05T19:52:00.000+07:00

They say it's not gonna work
He says it's awkward
You say I'm naive
She says I'm stupid

What do I say?

I say....
I think I am

She Called You a Father

2005-09-28T21:00:00.000+07:00

I wish I knew why she called you a father

Probably because...

You got a part in your imaginative creation
You stood outside the plain white room with your cigar in your mouth
You held her fragile figure in your arms for a hint of time
You smiled sourly when she cried at her silent night

or because...

You missed her life's moments
then gave her your reasonably ridiculous excuses
You encouraged her in your plain heartless tone
You crowned her with the prettiest thorns in the universe
You glanced at her when she stumbled and fell

or it's because...

You laughed when river of tears ran down her hollow cheeks
You whistled at her pain and misery
You sat back and relaxed
...as her bloody figure gone stale

I wish I knew......

Poezie en Jazz - Denise Jannah & Band

2005-09-27T20:48:00.000+07:00

Poetry and Jazz

Intro: The Surinam-born jazz singer Denise Jannah has lived for many years in the Netherlands. She studied singing at the Hilversum music academy. She frequently performs in the Netherlands and abroad, has won several awards, and has already recorded 7 CDs. On her latest CD, Gedichten Gezongen(2004), she brings Dutch, Surinam, South African, Antillean, and even Indonesian poetry. Her performance in Indonesia includes a selection of this work. Denise jannah will be accompanied by an ensemble with guitar, bass guitar, percussion drums, and piano.

I've never heard anything about Denise Jannah before. Last Sunday evening was the first time I knew and saw her performance. As usual, the YPKIB (the Indonesian-Dutch Education & Cultural Committe) sends me a notification of every concert they have here in Surabaya. So, I got it like 2 weeks ago. I usually go to all the events held by YPKIB with Carla, as she's the one who's taking a Dutch class there, but last time was different. Carla was in Jakarta for a Dutch singing Competition. So, I went with Valens instead.

I was 5 minutes late from the agreed time as I had to attend a family gathering to celebrate an aunt's b'day. Valens was already there, at Cak Durasim, when I arrived. But, I wasn't late for the show. So, we directly got into the building, signed our names on the guest's book, then entered the concert room. There weren't many people inside, unlike the previous concerts I've seen. Valens and I wondered why, but didn't discuss much about it. As soon as we were seated in the middle row, we started to talk about various things.

The concert started at 8 p.m, which was 30 minutes late from the show time written on the invitation. I told Valens that Denise and her band must have heard about how much Indonesians "appreciate" time that they are always late for everything :) Well, it's certainly not something to be proud of. I hope I'm not in that category :p

So, more and more people were coming as the concert started. All the lights, except the ones on the stage, were turned off. The MC gave an opening speech, and then asked us to give a big applause as Denise came on stage. She was wearing a loose big orange dress, which reminded me of Jamaican female singers. She looked quite different from the pic I saw on the invitation card. I think she's more beautiful in real. She looked friendly and kind, too.

The members of her band showed up not long after her. There were 3 men. They're Taco Nieuwenhuizen Segaar on contrabas, Bart Fermie on percussion, and Wolf Martini on guitar. After an opening speech from Denise and an introduction on her band members, she opened the show with a song called "Ra".

The concert was divided into 2 sessions. As song by song was sung, I liked her music more and more. She read some poems, told us the illustration of each song in Dutch and English, and made some jokes to live up the show. I loved the way she expressed herself and her moves when she was reading the poems. I would say she's very talented.

I'm still impressed on how she drove the audience mood. She mixes jazz with some other kinds of music, like samba, reggae, latin, pop, and ballad. Most of the songs she sang were in Dutch, which of course I don't understand. But, she always told us the story of each song, both in English and Dutch, so at least those who don't know Dutch would understand what it was all about. I liked and enjoyed all the songs much. I'm sure most of the people inside the building were too, for so many clapped their hands loudly almost everytime she finished a song...even some whistled. I also heard some people sitting near me commenting on what a great singer she is and how beautiful her voice is. I couldn't agree with them more.

The poems she read mostly talked about love and relationship, but she also highlighted nature, life, and people. Everything was just impressive. All her band members played well. I loved how Bart Fermie played all the instruments around him, Taco Nieuwenhuizen Segaar showed his skill, and Wolf Martini played his strings. They all made a perfect collaboration.

To me, Denise's concert is the best Dutch jazz musician I've ever seen. It's just totally amazing and cool. However, too bad that I didn't bring enough money to buy her CD, while in fact YPKIB rarely have a CD selling session after every concert they have held so far.

What a great Sunday evening! Valens drove me home in his car. I was very glad that I didn't have to waste money for taxi fare, hehehe.... Thanks Lens!

How am I supposed to feel?

2005-09-27T09:26:00.000+07:00

How am I supposed to feel?

When you boast and praise yourself
tell me and him
that you’re the best in the universe
that you rule with your supreme power and fame
that the sun and moon are nothing
but the most of the most ordinary

When you raise up your head
high and higher....
tell me and her
that my hopeless life will be red, orange, and green
that her dead end road will be no longer black, grey, and dark
that my great knowledge of the earth, wind, and soil are none
but the most upper surface of the sea

When you sweetly promise and vow
so convincingly...
tell me and them...
that my long exhausting journey has come to an end
that their little nothing-selves will be something
...and someone...
that our humble-selves will be seated on diamond chairs
that our smart intelligent-selves are nobody
but stinky dust and ashes

Then...

I found out....
that you’re nobody but a big fat liar
that your boasts are none but dirty bubbles
that your vows are nothing but cheap meaningless words
that your pride is nothing but simply a cover of your rotten-self

you are just rubbish

your words....promises...vows...and self
are simply
rubbish!

The Wedding

2005-09-20T21:10:00.000+07:00

Ian and Hera

Finally!!! After those hard times and tears, they're now together. Ian, one of my cousins, who always looks cool in his own style and way. He's finally reached one of his many wishes, that is to marry the love of his life, Hera, in a small but nice and warm ceremony.

Ian

I have always thought that they're meant for each other. They've known each other since they were still in high school. It's been almost 9 years, I suppose. They've been through a lot of hard times, even one of the hardest times in relationship, which I can't tell here. Although I don't really see him as the kind of person with a strong personality, I admire the things he's done to change his life and learn from his past failures. And somehow, I have a feeling that he's gonna be a better person as he's now a husband and a father of a 4-year-old cute baby boy. In time, he'll learn how to live a good life.

Hera

A beautiful nice friendly young woman whom I always admire for her humbleness. I've never met any pretty, nice, patient, and friendly daughter of a very rich family like her before. To me, she's got quality. She's not that kind of spoilt rich girl, who doesn't have goals and doesn't work hard to reach them. What a gem! I am happy that she survived one of many difficult times a young woman would ever experience in life. Salute! I believe she is now happy with her new small family, a husband and a great baby boy. I'm sure she'll be a good mother.

The wedding
Bali, September 18, 2005

It was held at Grand Bali Beach hotel, at Garden Wing, to be precise. I thought it was gonna be a big celebration, like there would be hundreds of people. In fact it wasn't. It was more like a private wedding celebration. Only families, relatives, and closest friends of both sides were invited. There was a lot of food, more than enough I think, especially for less than 150 people. The decoration was really nice, simple, but very elegant. There were flowers every where. It's nice to have two big families with different background and culture together in one place. They had the 'cin ciu' (I'm not sure how it's spelled) session and 'poco-poco' (traditional folk dance of Manadonese and Ambonese people). Everyone had fun, including me. It's great to have some 'poco-poco' and 'cha-cha' dance on stage with our big family.

I've never imagined what kind of wedding celebration I will have someday, but looking at everything at Ian & Hera's wedding, I know for sure that I want mine to be small, simple, pretty, and warm. It will be great to see everyone smiling warmly and laughing happily. Someday....my dream will come true.

Wishes

I sincerely wish all the happiness in the world for Ian & Hera. They do have a long way to go. Marriage is never a simple thing, at least that's what I've seen around me. But, there are always ways to make it work. Congratulations!

Fine Weekend 2

2005-06-10T22:51:00.000+07:00

Saturday, June 4, 2005

Gosh, I’m so sleepy! I was okay this morning, but I’m really sleepy now. I hope I won’t have to teach at Santa Clara this afternoon. Why Pak Win hasn’t come yet? It’s already 9:30 am. How nice it is to be a manager,eh? You can come anytime you want.

Things went pretty slow today. There were so many things to do at the office, but it was nice to have some chat with my colleagues while doing our work. There was a funny story from Carla. She got a ‘ditch’ incident. Hahahaha....the forever clumsy Carla!

It felt like going out somewhere after work, so I asked Carla to go to TP. Good that she was in the same mood, so she took my offer. Since we had short cash this week, we decided to go to TP by bemo. Hehehehe. Carla asked her little brother, Michael, to join us.

As always, Excelso was the hang-out place we chose today. The main consideration is always because I’ve got a member card, so we get 10% discount. Cool! At least we don’t have to pay the 10% tax as it’s covered by the 10% disc.

After reading every description of the coffee listed on the menu, I finally chose Frappio Mocca. For the snack, Carla and I chose Triple-decker sandwich. Michael didn’t say much as he agreed with whatever snack we ordered.

We both talked a lot about work, our fun time at desperado, the "gelandangan" guy, our life, our friends, and else. I yawned once in a while during our talk as only got 4 hours sleep the night before.

Sogo was our next destination. We both saw a counter offering 30% discount for some nice hats. I was interested in the colours and the pattern, so I tried some on. Carla seemed to like the blue-green stripped one. After trying on almost all the hats, I finally made a choice on the ivory & brown one. Cool ! I like my new hat. I can’t wait to wear it on an appropriate occasion.

“Phew” Glad to be home! :) I won’t sleep late tonight as I didn’t get enough sleep last night. Ah yeah, it’s time to brush my teeth and wash my face.

*yawn yawn yawn*

Good Nite!

Fine Weekend 1

2005-06-05T20:57:00.000+07:00

Fun Night

Friday, June 3, 2005

Wow!! It's already 3 a.m.! Am I gonna live tomorrow? I've gotta be at the office by 8 a.m. I wish I had a 5-day kind of job. But, it's okay. I had a great time tonight ^__^ So, I don't mind sleeping only for 3 or 4 hours.

So, there we were, Carla and I, at Desperado - Shangrilla Hotel, our favourite club. Too bad Arif couldn't join us while he was actually the one who asked me if I wanted to go to Despe with him last Friday. It could have been more fun if he had been there. The dance floor could have been ours. Hehehehe....

The Canadian band was good, though I was more impressed with their performance on our last visit, which was 2 months ago. They are young and energetic, with beautiful voices of course. They could even sing Indonesian songs with good pronunciation, though it seems to me that Rosa's and Peter Pan's songs are the only ones they master well :)

The place was pretty crowded, not as crowded as Hugo's of course, which was just a perfect place for me. Another good thing was, there were more young people coming instead of the middle-aged ones nor the old ones. Yaayy! :P

So, we chose the seats on the right wing, close to the stage and bar. The waiter directly asked for our order as he saw us sitting, coke for me and beer for Carla. Since I didn't bring enough cash, I paid it with a master-card. I was surprised to see the price of my coke when I got the receipt. Gosh!! The coke is Rp 33,000. The last time I went there, it was still Rp 23,000. So, it's just WOW!! But okay, I shouldn't make a fuss on it. I should have thought of it as things have been getting more expensive ever since the government announced the gas-rate rise.

"Aarrgghh" Too bad there was nobody to watch our bags while we're dancing. Carla brought her black work-bag and I was with my white plastic bag. It was kinda disgusting to bring a medium-size plastic bag to a club, but I brought it anyway, for it was the only thing I could grab to put the score-sheet that Carla asked me to bring.

Since we were a bit worried to just leave Carla's bag on her chair, we didn't dance for the first 30 minutes, but then I suggested her to give her credit cards to me so that I could put them in my pants' pocket. I just couldn't hold the temptation to dance ^__+

So, when we heard our favourite song being sung, we directly went to the dance floor. It felt great to dance again. I enjoyed it a lot. I guess Carla did too, especially when there was this young man with slim figure with a bit sloppy style danced beside us. He even cut in the middle and just danced between Carla and me. Hahahaha.... "gelandangan" guy! He blocked my sight. As we danced more and more, he seemed to make a closer move to Carla. So, I took it as a sign and just let him dance with Carla, though he actually danced with some other girls too as I noticed.

When it was break time for the band, we got back to our seats and just listened to the music played by the DJ. We gossiped about the "gelandangan" guy and a good-looking guy in fashionable black outfit talking with his friends near the bar.

"He reminds me of Marijn a bit. Don't you think he's sloppy but cool? " asked Carla.

"Well, his outfit is not really convincing, but yes, I think he looks cool," I said.

"Do you think he's gay? I noticed that gay in white tried to get closer to him for a couple of times," Carla said.

"Maybe, I'm not sure," I answered.

It's somehow fun to analyze the people that we consider attractive. The fashionable guy is one example. Hehehehe..... Carla created a sort of little background story of him and the old men talking to him. He could be an heir of a millionaire who came to Surabaya for a business and happened to know this club from one of his clients or else. How creative our imagination was that we even matched the "gelandangan" with this business-like guy, that he was his little brother who wasn't as lucky as his big brother to be the heir of their rich and powerful family. Hahahahaha....we both laughed a lot then.

We did dance a lot tonight. How great !!! It felt like ages since we last danced. I was actually hoping to dance a bit when we hanged out at one of the bars in Gili Trawangan, but it was just too bad that most of the bars there didn't play danceable songs. Well, I could have danced some if I had stayed there longer to join the full-moon party. However, I heard from Carla that even at the party, they didn't play the kinds of song that we like. So, I don't regret it that much anymore for not lengthening my stay.

Another special thing to enjoy was this group of French male. One of them, a short guy with average weight was really good at break-dance. He did a kind of break-dance show when the band was singing a song that he seemed to like much. So, almost everyone at the club watched him dancing. Everyone, including me, gave him an applause once he's done with his dance show.

Once in a while we stopped for a drink or just to stand or listen to the music.

Dance....dance......and dance! till my toes hurt! hehehehe....

As the night grew old, there were fewer people inside. We stood by the long half-round narrow table near the main bar and listened to the DJ. We still danced some when we heard a nice song being played. Since there were only a few people left, we felt like the dance floor was ours :) We moved here and there, did whatever we liked. I then heard some whistling sounds behind us while we were dancing. When I stopped dancing and just stood near the long table, the "breaker" French guy walked passed me, I thought he was walking to the bar, but he stopped right in front of me and gave me a big smile. Hahahaha....I wasn't expecting anything like that, so I just thought it was funny. I smiled back at him.

Since it was already 3:30 am, I told Carla that it's time to go home. I had to work at 8. Before taking the elevator, we sat on two big chairs near the rest-room. I gave Carla the white plastic bag as well as her students' score-sheets. When we were talking, we both saw the 'gelandangan' walking with an older guy (his friend, we supposed) with his dark-skin woman. We thought he would just pass by without saying anything. Instead of just walked away, he said "Goodbye Ladies" and smiled to us. I then told myself that he looked better than I had thought before as I could see his face more clearly.

I glanced a bit at that guy and his friend plus the woman when we were waiting for the taxi we ordered. Well, it was more to fulfill my curiosity than other possible reason I could have had. I had a strong feeling that Carla did the same. When we saw a taxi coming, those 3 people directly headed themselves inside. It was supposed to be ours, but they took it. We thought it was okay though. When the "gelandangan" was about to get inside the taxi, I saw him waving at us. I guess he said something or perhaps gave us a sign, but I wasn't sure as I wasn't wearing my eyeglasses. Whatever sign he gave, I guess it might be for Carla.

We talked a lot about "him" inside the taxi. Carla regretted it much that she didn't ask for his name, gave her number, nor at least talked to him more. Hahahaha...... :D

"I have given you the chance, La. You should have got it when I refused his offer to dance with you two," I said.

"Yea, I know. Darn! I just knew that in fact I'm a shy girl, unlike what I have thought of myself all this time," She replied.

What a night!
^__^

An Answer

2005-06-02T21:31:00.000+07:00

Waking up on this warm day
Sitting on this humble bamboo chair
Looking at the morning dew on those tiny leaves
Am I here?
Breathing it in and out....the watery air
Blinking my eyes,
trying to move this blocking mist
off my half-opened eyes
Am I truly here?

My wandering mind freeing herself
Trying to cherish the rarety of moment and chance
Enjoying her private time
Releasing her devils and enemies
Letting them free
as free as herself

What brought me here?
Was it pain of love?
Was it cruelty of heart?
Was it misery of mind?
Was it disappointment of life?
Was it tickle of conscience?
Was it all?
or else?

There's one moment silence
I can hear the spinning wheels
of this brain of mine
Figuring it out
the answer
That's it...
an answer

Heaven on Earth

2005-05-27T22:01:00.000+07:00

Strolling along the dessert of blue
Feeling the warmth of this ivory carresing dust,
beneath my bare feet
Capturing the almost white horizon
Listening to the whispers of the wind
Watching the steps of the waves
I wish I could stay here forever

As the sun goes down,
and the yellow spectrum turns red
As the waves reach the clouds,
showing their passion for the night
As the air gets a bit chilly,
but still the warmth stays
If I could witness these all my life

I see the sincerity on each smile
of those pure innocent souls of island
I heart the simplicity of every thought
of those sweet exotic faces
I admire the strength and faith
of those lovable survivors
I wish my life would only be simple

As I walk away,
dim lights lead my way
Saving me from absolute darkness
As I look up there,
thousand of stars shower my half-tanned body
Saving me from loneliness

If I could only stay
If I could only live
If I could only breathe
If I could only rest
in this small heaven
My heaven on earth
forever...

I'm Back !

2005-05-26T07:01:00.000+07:00

Wednesday, May 25.

I'm home! ^__+

What a short get-away :( I wish I had a few more days to stay in Gili Trawangan, my favourite island. It was hard to step on my feet on the boat which took me to cross the strait. I hated myself for doing a late booking. I could have got a flight home yesterday, on Tuesday, May 24, if I had called the travel agent earlier. Tuesday was a national holiday, so I actually had one more night to stay in Gili, instead of going back on Monday. And another thing is I missed the full-moon party held on Monday evening, from 7 p.m onwards. It's a big event in Gili island, for this party is held once in 2 years, on a full-moon night. Tourists and local people from Bali and Lombok always come to Gili for this big event.

Thinking how short my days-off is, I envy my best friend, Carla. She is staying in Lombok till Saturday.Hiks hiks hiks....

Well, despite my regrets for late booking, I really enjoyed my 1 night in Senggigi and 2 nights in Trawangan. It was great to do whatever things I wanted to. I met new people and made friends with some of them. It's just nice and fun.

Ah yea, I finally tried 'snorkelling' !!! WoW !!! I'm not really a good swimmer, so I had been afraid to try it before my recent visit to Gili. It's really amazing to see things under water. The colourful coral, the fish, the sea-weed, and else. I would have tried it a long time ago if I had known how beatiful those things are. It's just WOW!!! I got sunburn at my back and arms, but everything I saw was worth-seeing. So, no regrets. ^__^

It's suprising how the local people there, especially the ones I met 2 years ago, on my first visit to that island, remembered me and my friend, Carla. We then found out that there're not many Indonesian girls who travel there like us, two beautiful young women. hehehehehehe.........

I was speechless when I saw the beautiful sunset from the hill on the other side of the island. Too bad I didn't have my camera to take some shots of the beach and the sunset.

I liked it a lot...just to lie down and see the sky and clouds. They seemed so close that I could almost touch them. Amazing.

I feel a lot better now, fresher and more energetic. I'm glad I decided to take a few days-off. I now have to deal with my crazy days again, but now that I've got my spirit back, I shall be able to manage everything.

^___+

PS: I'll write the complete story of my 4 days-trip to Lombok on RinAku-journey soon.

A Get Away

2005-05-19T21:34:00.000+07:00

First of all, thanks to aquarius for your concern, attention, and for liking my writings. I haven’t been on blog for about 2 weeks. I actually wanted to write some, but there has been too much to deal with lately. It’s been harder to breathe.

Work has been busy as always. In fact this month and next month are the busiest months of the year at my place. I’ve been dealing more with handling problems concerning class management and teaching performance of the part-time teachers than the program itself. So, it’s been pretty tough. It has made me wonder why they can’t just be ‘teachers’ and behave like what they should instead of acting like children. *sigh* However, I’ve learnt more about socializing and human’s relationship. I may not be that good at coordinating people, but I’ve been trying my best as a coordinator.

Well, though work is pretty crazy, it’s not the thing that has been bothering me. It’s more about personal things, especially about relationship. I just don’t know.... I feel empty. I can’t think. I’m not even sure what I want. I hate feeling like this.

I never thought that this thing called relationship between a man and a woman would affect me this much. I thought I was that strong. In fact I’m not. I’m just a woman who has feelings. When the willingness and effort to keep the bond aren’t there anymore, what should I expect? Haven’t I tried much? Haven’t I been understanding enough? Haven’t I....?

I’m just fed up. I need to get away somewhere. I’ve asked my boss for a few days-off. Well, it’s actually not the right time to leave work, but I badly need to be alone and think. Getting away from work and home and refreshing my mind are just the things I’ve gotta do. So, I’m leaving tomorrow to Lombok, one of my favourite places in this country. I’m going to explore 1 or 2 spots I’ve never visited before. Hopefully, I’ll have a lighter heart and fresher mind when I’m back. I’m away from tomorrow, May 19 to 23.

So, till then :)

I do have a Life

2005-05-05T15:59:00.000+07:00

I crawl on my limp skinny legs
I breathe this poisonous killing air
I walk in this sucking deep swamp
I laugh under this burning eye-hurting sun
I run on this smelly rotten land
I sleep under this damn cold moonlight sheet
I do have a life

I walk and walk
till this earth eats the last thin layer of my worn out shoes,
leave me on my bleeding feet
I stumble and fall,
then walk,
but fall again
I hold on my last strength,
and get on my two shaky knees,
leave me powerless and useless
I run and run,
to get rid of those demons that haunt my mind,
leave me on this deep sleepy hollow
I do have a life

I stay awake,
keep my droopy narrow eyes half-opened
simply to see the stars mocking me
I think and think,
keep my weary mind alive
only to see my fading conscience surrender to my dark soul
I dig deeper and deeper
keep these two tiny hands of mine sore and tortured
just to see my search is nothing but hopeless wishes
I do have a life

My tears run down my hollow cheeks, leaving an ugly deep trace
My laugh subsides, blown by the silent wind
My shapeless heart's gone cold, frozen by the heartless spirit
My mind loses its way, drags me to insanity
I do have a life
I do

Woman of the Greatest

2005-05-04T19:28:00.000+07:00

To the greatest woman of all who teaches me about life....

Endless patience,
Sincere compassion,
Pure humbleness,
Deep faith,
Strong willingness,
Huge optmism,
White kindness,
Forever love,
Great beliefs,
....are all I see in you.

Your humble arguments show me
that absolute truth isn't my property
Your huge optimism proves me
that misery and pains are not unchangable fate
Your deep faith tells me
that life will finally bring me there, to my colourful land
Your strong willingness teaches me
that rocky hills and big waves are beatable
Your sincere kindness inspires me
that it only takes a silly grin to shine my dark sky

Your endless grumbles speaks to me
that there's a good deed beneath every bugging word
Your rare loudness shouts at me
that a selfish self named ego is not supposed to take control
Your quietness whispers to me
that words sometimes cut like a knife and hurt to the core
Your silly laughs and smiles open me
that things are not as hard as the pictures in my sophisticated mind
Your crazy dance moves talks to me
that being different doesn't make me less human

You're just great
amazing in your imperfection
adorable in your simplicity
astonishing in your illuminated light
gorgeous in your aging cover
just that great

The greatest of the greatest

I hate you, but I Love You

2005-05-03T20:13:00.000+07:00

To the man who took part in bringing me to this planet,

I hate you...
for leaving me in a mud of misery
for ignoring my pains
for smiling at my failures
for missing my hurtful moments
for letting me grow
in a jungle full of beasts

I loathe you...
when you raise me up high
that I could almost touch the cloud with my bare hands
but then push me hard
and let me fall into deepest nothingness
when you flower my shinny sky with every colour on earth
but then sweep it all with the darkest colour I've never thought existed
and let me cry till my last tear-drop
when you show me the key to the place that trapping me
but then just stand there and see me with empty look

but when...
I catch a glimpse of your limb figure
I see helplessness in your two black eyes
I view deep scratches of life's claws on your aging face
I look at your indescribable yet unsaid pride for my shinning star
I notice a silly smile of yours that similar to mine
I watch the falling greyish strings on your head
I taste the salty reddish blood of yours that runs in mine

my heart aches
my heart beats
my tear drops
my ice melts

I hate you
I loathe you
but somehow....
I love you.

Manga Me

2005-05-02T22:16:00.000+07:00

Rina sensei.jpg

Posted by Hello

This is a birthday present from my talented private student, Wendy. Thanks a lot for this drawing and allowing me to post it on my blog, Wen! Domo Arigato! I really love this manga version of ME. WoW! Am I that sexy? hehehehe.....

Friends

2005-05-01T00:07:00.000+07:00

Saturday, April 30, 2005.
10 p.m.

Phew, what a tiring day! I had a nice time, though, going out with my best friends to Plaza Tunjungan. It's great to get together again after some crazy hectic weeks. I sometimes am amazed of how we, Ery,Yuli,Mariza, and I, can stick together till now. It's just like yesterday when we were still together in university, hanging out at the campus food-court, enjoying Mas Bram's noodles and mango juice, and talking about whatever topic we had in mind.

Time flies by.Wow! We are 26 now! Wow! Where have those fun unburdening times gone? I remember when we used to talk about our dreams after we graduated from school. It was funny how we imagined of living in the same neighbourhood later when we're married. We thought it was a sort of fun idea, for we would be able to visit each other anytime we wanted. Our husbands and children would be friends, just like us. The idea of that sort of togetherness sounded pretty cool.

I looked at my friends' faces as we were talking about the food we're eating and else. Everyone has changed a lot. It seems that our experiences have made us grown much, especially mentally. Mariza is no longer, at least not exactly, the same person I used to know. She now reveals her feminine side more and seems to give more atttention to her physical side. Well, she still comes late to almost every appointment made, but she is really different now. I somehow like this new version of her. And the best part I like about her now is she has more concerns on work and making a life. I'm just glad to see that.

We don't meet one another much anymore, unlike the old times. It's pretty hard to adjust our schedule just to go out for a movie or a chat. However, we always make time to get together whenever one of us is celebrating her birthday. We have made it as a tradition to eat out together, which is a treat from the birthday girl. This treating time has always been one of the most expected moments in a year for us. The idea of trying new restaurant in town, sitting together at a table, talking about anything that makes us laugh and smiles, and sharing some stories of our personal lives are just great.

It makes me smiles whenever I remember how Yuli could be so selfish, inconsiderate, and damn childish, which were the characterictics that I hated much. Mariza and Ery were also annoyed, but they didn't express their complaints much. I was the loudest among us, so I sometimes had a big argument and even quarrelled with her when we were in university. Now, she still has those characteristics, but not as strong as before. I guess working as a kindergarten teacher has somehow made her a more mature and more patient person.

When I looked at Ery during our conversation about the korean movie we both like, I suddenly saw something. She was the closest person, whom I used to share a lot of private things, even secrets. To me, she now looks a lot more beautiful than before. I can't tell which part of her face that makes her look so. She still has the same nose, eyes, and cheeks. I guess her beauty comes out more from her inner-self than from her physical side. Maybe she feels happier with her life and knows how to lighten all hard things she has to deal with. One thing about her that still stays is her big patience. She has always been the most patient and thoughtful one in the gang.

This gathering of my birthday celebration suddenly makes me think a lot about friendship. We've been friends for almost 8 years and have been through so many things together. Each of us has stuffs that keep our hands full now. We are all working our way to reach our dreams and deepest wishes. We may not be able to get together much like we used to, but somehow the closeness is there. The bond is in the air. No matter what happens, no matter how crazy this world is, we will always be friends, who will support one another in bad times and be happy for the others at good times.

A Letter to Shinny

2005-04-29T12:32:00.000+07:00

Dear Shinny,

Tell me why life is like this?
Tell me why love is painful
but yet wonderful?
Tell me why words are nothing
but sophisticated lies?
Tell me why happiness slips away
not long after it’s held?
Please tell me.

Dear Nighty,
Life is whatever you want it to be
It can be hard
...as hard as you want it to be
It can be light
..as light as you want it to be
The choice is in those two hands of yours.

Dear Nighty,
Love is..
It’s painful
that it makes you think of taking out your heart
and throw it into the deepest ocean
that it makes you feel like taking another heart
and chuck it into small pieces
It’s tricky
that it fools you at your smartest moments
It’s itchy
that no matter how much you scratch
the feeling will stay
But yes,
It is wonderful
It is amazing
It is indescribable
No matter how painful, tricky, and itchy
It will always be missed
It will always come over you,
sticks to your soul
like the most contagious virus
Then,
you’ll have nowhere to run nor hide.

Dear Nighty,
Words are...
a prospective way to fool any living creature
a desirable way to spread lies and promises
a thoughtful way of setting traps
Even so...
I love them
as much as you do
They can bring you up high
there in the air....in the white sky
They put glitter
there in your smokey eyes
They make you dizzy
that even the best pain killer can do nothing
but surrender to their power.

Dear Nighty,
Happiness is like smoke
It's there flying weightless,
teasing you badly,
simply to come closer
It's there to touch
but not to hold
But why feel sad?
Why confused?
Why making it hard?
It is always there...
here and around,
waiting to be reached
waiting to be found
If it slips out your tiny hands,
catch it
Jump up high,
reach it,
and keep it....as long as you can
Then,
if you lose it for the second time,
jump, reach, and catch it again!

Now...

2005-04-26T21:51:00.000+07:00

Now...
Everything has been said
A big rock has been lifted
and thrown away
Those sharp,
small stones
have been moved
to another spot
The old pains
have been released
...a little
The aches are leaving
...a bit
The thick white fog
is clearing up
...slowly

Now...
here we are
facing each other's image
looking through
a transparent glass
gazing at each other's eyes
standing...
you before me
watching every detail
of each other's face

Now...
there's a pinch of relief
there's a lighter feeling
but
the numb somehow stays
the hole is still opened
the doubt is still there

Now...
no one moves
nobody talks
no words
no acts
not even a sound of breath
Darn silence
I loathe you
Helplessness
leave me!
Someone's gotta
.....move
.....write
write something
use that old black pen

No!!
no more writing
say something!
reach the old-new spontaneous thing
break..
break it
The silence

Now!

Doubts & Confusion

2005-04-23T23:37:00.000+07:00

I wanna feel it again
the thrill
the butterflies
the joy
of this beautiful feeling
of Love

I wanna see it again
the sparkles
in this brownish eyes of mine
the silliness
printed on my very own smiles
whenever my dreams
my memories
my daylight thoughts
are about you

My heart's travelled this far
....for you
a long journey
through the dark shadows
pass lots of hard times
break the rocky hills
of my own horror
of my huge doubts
for this stupid
but yet
the greatest feeling of all
named Love

Days...
months...
and years....
where have they gone?
It feels like yesterday
the moment when you
whispered in my ears

My feelings
and yours...
have grown this big
like a huge ball
round and strong

but....strange.....
I woke up this morning
and saw stain of tears
on my pillow
I don't understand
what's happening
I feel numb
a big hole
of emptiness

I don't feel
the closeness
the tickles of butterflies
I've lost it
the leaps of joy

It scares me
I can't gaze the tempting image of yours
not clearly
not anymore
It's frightening me
Who are you
not that one figure
whom I used to heart much
not anymore

Where is it
the old silly thing
called Love
it's still said
it's still being written
I don't need words

I'm loosing it
the feeling
the genuine pure touch
of the simple
spontaneous expressions

I don't wanna stay here
in this mud of doubt
trapped
in this growing hole
of emptiness
but I'm afraid
I'm terrified
of loneliness

I can't stay like this
Will you do something
Should I do something
Shall we do something
I hate this confusion
leaving me in the middle
......of nowhere

I Love Holiday!

2005-04-22T08:56:00.000+07:00

* stretch *

* yawn yawn *

* stretch stretch *

What a great feeling! Waking up in a nice bright morning and breathe the fresh air.

-taking a deep breath-
Hmmmmmmm......

Looking trough my window, I can see the green grass in the garden. I could almost see the morning dew on the tip of those small greenish leaves.

Aah.....^__^ How I love holiday! Yaay! No rushing, no going around the room to prepare this and that, no moving from one place to another under the recent extreme heat, and no leaving early and going back late in the evening. So happy!

*big smile*

Today, I just wanna relax and enjoy the day. Lazying some will be great too, so I think I’ll do that. Ah yea, I may need to clean up my messy room and put everything back on its place. My poor room! Sorry for neglecting you lately :p.

Hmmm....maybe going out to a book store is also a great idea. Who knows I’ll find new novels or comic books to buy. Great! I’ll have some reading to accompany me today J. This afternoon may be a good time to head out.

I don’t wanna think much about the things bothering my mind these past few days. No heart ache, no frowns, no long face, and no tears. I just wanna be happy, feel free, and be my self! Yeah!

^___^

Ah ya, I’m going out to a club out here tonight with my friends. It’s gonna be great! We’re gonna meet, talk, enjoy the music, dance some, and have fun together. Yaaaay!!!

How I love holiday!

On A Night Like This.....

2005-04-16T15:44:00.000+07:00

On a night like this...
When my head aches
I wish a hand caressed me
Ahh, how great it would be

On a night like this...
When my heart's blue
I wish the rainbow sprinkled me
Ahh, how bright it would be

On a night like this...
When my mind loses way
I wish a heavy voice whispered on my ears
Ahh, how soothing it would be

On a night like this...
When my conscience fades away
I wish a strong arm held me tight
Ahh, how comfey it would be

On a night like this...
When a foggy shadow blocks my sight
I wish a dim light led me
Ahh, how relieving it would be

On a night like this...
When a dark soul takes over my mind
I wish deep loving eyes gazed on me
Ahh, how wonderful it would be

On a night like this...
When an evil dream haunts me
I wish a hearty kiss sealed me
Ahh, how incredible it would be

On a night like this...

On a night like this...........

Silly Me

2005-04-13T21:58:00.000+07:00

I see an image
There.....
far away
I hear a laugh
There....
so close and familiar

I feel a warmth
Here...deep down
I see tears
here...in my very own eyes

I see it...there
standing quietly
waving slowly
smiling brightly
laughing cheerfully

I walk towards
I move closer
trying to touch its tempting figure
trying to breathe its heavenly incense
trying to feel its great taste
trying to kiss its salty sweat

I run and run
I'm getting closer
Ahhh....
This is it
It's right before my eyes
I can see it

Let me touch
Let me kiss
Let me taste
Let me feel

Strange...
It tastes like fog
feels like ashes
smells like dust
It melts away...
at the very moment of my touch

Weird...
is this real
or
is it just fake
Silly me
it has been all fake
FAKE

I want it real
I want it true
I want it live
I want it all

But...

Will it ever be true
Will it ever be real
I'm not sure anymore

I'm holding on
but I'm losing hope
I'm keeping up
but I'm feeling sour

I don't know where it leads
I just don't know
I can't tell
I hate it
but I'm keeping it

Silly Me.

Birthday :)

2005-04-11T20:58:00.000+07:00

Finally, it's my birthday! ^__^

I started my day by waking up late :P I actually wanted to wake up early just to enjoy my early morning and think about things I've done the past 12 months. But since I got home late from a b'day dinner last night, around 11 pm, and went beddy around 12 am, I woke up late.

I was shocked when I saw my watch. It's 5:30 am already. I had to leave for work at 6 am, so it left me only 30 minutes to shower, to get dressed, and to prepare things. Phew! What a rush!

When I was running around to prepare some stuffs, I heard my cell-phone ringing for 5 or 6 times, showing that there were some sms in my inbox, but I just ignored them as I didn't have time to check. So, off I went to the place where the office driver usually picks me up. Not long after getting in the car, I checked all the sms I got. I was really happy as I read all of them, for they were all from my friends. They wished me a happy birthday. It was a great feeling to know that my friends cared to bother themselves to send me a b'day wish early in the morning.

I felt even better when my students in class X-2 at St. Carolus Junior High School wished me a happy b'day. They all shook my hands. I gave them a big smile as I said "Thank You. Thank You. Thank You".

A birthday wish.
Very simple, but it does mean a lot.
It's good just to know that the people around you remember your birthday.
Thank you, friends!

Things went pretty well today, though I had a problem with my stomach. I'm not sure what's wrong, but I've felt the pain since morning. Maybe it's because of my period time. I've never had this kind of pain before, though.

Ah ya, I got a present from one of my colleagues, Ms. Ria. Well, we're not really close to each other, but it was great to know that she knew my b'day while in fact I never told her about it. Maybe she got the info from my other colleague. So, I got this two-piece yellow pajamas with cute bears pictures everywhere. I like it a lot. Thank You, Ms. Ria. I love you :) hehehe....

Hmmm....who doesn't like gifts? especially birthday gifts :) I always feel happy whenever I get one. Gifts are great! It's never about the value that makes it special. It's more on the sincerity of giving something to someone you care about. However, a wish is worth even more.

So now, I'm thinking about myself. Am I a better person person? Have I done good things this past year? Have I been a good daughter? Have I made my mother happy these past 12 months? Have I been a good sister? Have I succeeded in reaching the things I have always dreamt of?

Well, there are so many questions I have in mind, but I'm not sure I can provide good answers.

Hmm....I can't say that I'm a better 'me' now. I've made so many mistakes. I've neglected some important things that I used to care about. But if I look back and see myself back then, I think I've achieved a few good things in my personal life and carreer. Thus, somehow, I guess I'm a bit better "myself" now. I wish.

I regret all the failures and mistakes that I've made, but life is about moving forward. So, I'll just leave all the bad things behind. Starting from today, I really want to do my best for myself and the people I love so much. I'll still try hard to make my dreams come true. However, I won't make it too hard on me. I just wanna enjoy my life :)

I hope I can give my mother more attention and make her happy. She's really a great mother. She's not perfect at all, but that's why I lover her so much. I love you, Mom !

It's been a hard year for my family. I haven't been that patient, especially when it concerns my sister. So, I hope I can be a better big sister for her. You've made me angry and hurt so many times sis, but I love You !

And dear brother, we haven't been as close as in our old times this past year, so I don't really know what has been going on in your life, but I do wish for your success. You've been a harder person these past few years, but I still love you !

Last but not least, thanks God for so many blessings I've got this past year. I'm really grateful. Really really grateful ! How lucky I am ! :)

What a birthday!
THANK YOU !

Do I feel comfortable with myself?

2005-04-06T20:17:00.000+07:00

That's the question that I have been asking myself lately.

Well, I never bother much about my weight and else, at least not like I used to when I was in senior high and my early years in the university. Maturity and experiences have changed the way I see myself a lot. Having some nice close friends around me has also brought possitive effect on me. It's good to be able to see everything I have in me, both physically and mentally, in a more positive way. It has helped me greatly in building my self-confidence.

I've gained some weight these past 3 months. I wasn't really aware of it, not until some weeks ago. Some people I know, whom I haven't seen much lately, told me that I looked fatter than before. My response was only a big smile and a little laugh. I told them that I had been eating much and my appetite had been good.

Well, I've actually realized it since 1.5 or 2 months ago. I've felt that I don't fit my old jeans and skirts anymore. I have to admit that this unfitted stuff has bothered me a bit. Well, it's not about the extra fat I have in almost every part of body. What I've put into my consideration is that I don't wanna buy new pants for a few reasons. First, buying new pants means wasting my money as I've been in a pretty tight budget these past few months, so I'm not thinking of doing it. Second, my old pants are still in a good condition, so why buy new ones?

My mother always tells me that young women should look fresh and healthy. For her, skinny women look ugly because they look older than their real age. In this case, I agree with her. I don't wanna be skinny either, for it makes me look less beautiful :p hehehehe. My close friends, especially my best friend, Carla, always says that women should have curves, and these curves are formed by the fat they have in some parts of their bodies. I'm really of the same opinion. Women should have fat in their belly, for that makes them look like 'real women'. It's just too bad that so many women get too obsessed with 'flatness'. Women should be soft (the good kind of softness), not hard, for that what differs them from men.

I don't wanna join the "obsessed" crowd. Why should I? I'm not a model and don't wanna be any. What I want is to make myself comfortable and happy. I still wanna keep some fat here and there, especially in the right places *wink* hehehe...

So, do I feel comfortable with myself?
I think I feel quite comfortable. I should make myself comfortable, for there are a lot more important things to be my concerns..other than this getting fat issue.

Yeah right! The key is making ourselves comfortable. Why should bother much with the buzz around you, telling that you're fat and chubby. Bah!

However, I'm thinking of reducing my weight, maybe about 2 kg, just to fit my old pants and to make me more energetic. Perhaps, I'll just control my recent snacking habit (I've found this a hard-to-hold temptation) and try to exercise more. I haven't exercised at all recently, I mean real exercise like jogging on Sunday morning or doing some aerobics in a gym.

So, wish me luck!

^__+

I Luv Them

2005-04-04T22:21:00.000+07:00

I used to think that teaching kindergarten students wouldn't be as fun as teaching teenagers.
I thought that I wouldn't like them as much as I like high school students.
I thought that I wouldn't be able to perform my best in teaching them.
I thought teaching them was a big waste of energy.
I thought teaching them wouldn't give me much satisfaction.
I thought..........

Well, I was WRONG !

I've found out that they are the best creatures, for they have the least lies and the purest heart.
I now love teaching them as much as teaching my high school students, even more sometimes.
I've found out that I can perform well, as well as teaching the other levels.
I've found out that teaching them isn't a waste of energy at all.
Well, it's indeed tiring to handle 5 and 6 years old students, but seeing how much they enjoy the lesson and the way they show their enthusiasm are really worth it.
In fact, teaching them really gives me satisfaction.

They are amazing!
They tell you what they think.
They show you what they feel.
They love you because they do like you.
They may make you laugh and angry at the same time.
They attract your attention in simplest and unbelievable ways.
No lies! (at least not the kind of lies I usually find :) )

They are really cute!
Look at those cute little faces.
Look at those small hands.
Look at those breath-taking smiles.
Look at those beautiful eyes.
Look at those naughty actions.
WoW!

And this morning, one of my super duper active students came over me and told me,

"Miss Rina, Miss Rina...."

"Yes, Acel?"

"Today is my birthday"

"Oh, really? Is it really your birthday today?"

"Yes, Miss!"

"Well then, Happy Birthday Acel!"

He moved his head and showed me his cheeks as he smiled. I just couldn't hold my laugh as I saw that. He was asking me for a birthday kiss. WoW ! ^__^ It's really a great feeling to find out that my students like me, while in fact I haven't been teaching them long. I then bent down and kissed both of his cheeks as I repeated my Happy Birthday wish.

My kindergarten students......

Aahh, How I luv them! :)

Back to Desperado

2005-03-26T16:11:00.000+07:00

Finally, back to Desperado again! :-)

It's my favourite club in Surabaya. Well, the place isn't big, but it's cozy enough and not super crowded. I hate a super duper crowded place, for there usually is no space for dancing and no enough air to breathe. Another thing I like about this club is they've got some comfey sofa to sit on. Whenever my friends and I go there, we mostly choose the sofa, which is placed on the left side of the room. I kinda like the setting of chairs, tables, bar, the stage, and the interior there. It always feels good to sit back and watch the band playing some of my favourite songs.

It's been a long time since I last went out for clubbing, which was on New Year's eve in Bali. I've been very tied to work that I don't feel like going out to any club out here. So, it's a great feeling to go back there again tonight, though there were only my best friend, Carla, and me going. It reminds me of our old times .

Clubbing is one of my favourite activities to release stress. Well, I don't do it often as don't claim myself as a big clubber. I like doing it and usually enjoy it much each time I go to any club out here, but I don't do it frequently. It's like only once in a month or sometimes once in 2 months. Two biggest parts of clubbing I so much enjoy are the live performance of the band, especially if the band is really good, and the chance to dance as much as I want to.

Tonight was different with my previous clubbing nights. I didn't dance at all (first time ever), while in fact I do love dancing. Carla and I just sat on our high chairs, drank, had some chat, and enjoyed the music. Anyway, we both ordered the same drink, a glass of gin tonic. The band performing this month is called "Scarlip", a Canadian band. The lead vocalists, a male and a female, have good voice and nice performance on stage. They are playing till March 26th, that means till next Saturday.

Well, actually, I wanted to dance a little, but Carla didn't feel like to. So, I just forgot the idea of going to the dance floor and moved my body following the songs being played. I didn't feel like dancing alone, though Carla oferred me to just go and dance if I really wanted to. She said that perhaps I would get a dance partner as there were some guys dancing on the dance floor, but I wasn't in the mood of dancing with any guy. Thus, I decided to stay at my seat and just enjoyed the music while having a chat with Carla about her new cool spontaneous "indo" (Dutch+Indonesian) guy. She was really excited in telling me about how things have been more intense between them. I'm happy for her. It's just too bad that I couldn't share her the same excitement from my love story.

While were having a nice chat, one of the waiters came over our table to ask if we had any song request. At first we just looked at each other, waiting till one of us came up with an idea. My mind was blank. So, I just let Carla think and she finally came up with "Destiny's Child". She asked me the tittle of DC's new song, but I failed to remember it. I tried to think hard while knocking at my finger-nails on the table. I finally got it. It's "Lose My Breath". A very nice song that makes you shake your booty :). Then, Carla added another song from U2, "Kingstown" or something, I'm not sure. As the waiter hold the request card in his hand, he directly walked towards the stage and handed it to the male vocalist instead of moving to the other tables.

Soon after the blond vocalist read our request, he smiled a little, and then had a few words with the other vocalist. I didn't know what they were talking about, but both of them laughed not lond after their little chat. Carla and I smiled as we saw them preparing themselves. We giggled as we made a bet. We both were almost sure that they would skip the "lose my breath" and only sing U2's song. In fact we both were wrong !

Okay, we've got a request from Carla and Rina. So, this is your song....

Hahahahahaha.....they sang it. Lose my Breath. Hahahaha.....we couldn't hold our laugh. Cool !
They did sing our request. I can say that they sang it pretty well. I smiled as I saw them singing the song. Their stage performance was good too, I mean their stage dance, especially the male vocalist. He's really energetic. They made it to make some people move their hips and shake some booties on the dance floor.

As the night went old, more people got out of the club and left only some staying inside, including both of us, to wait until the band sang their last song and I finished my drink. At around 1 a.m. we decided to move to a spot near the dance floor... just to get clearer view of the band members and the people dancing in front of us.

And there was this sexy woman in sexy white outfit dancing right in front of us. I can't say that she's beautiful, but I like her hair style. A cool hairstyle. I'm not really sure, but I think she's one of the hookers who usually hang out at Desperados. She was pretty drunk, but she was still be able to control herself. Carla and I talked about her cool hairstyle and how her sexy clothes really fit her. I told Carla that she's cool and didn't look that 'cheap', at least not as cheap as the other hookers there.

It was around 1: 45 a.m. My glass was already empty. We decided to go home then. And now, here I am, in my room, blogging about how great it is to be back to Desperados again.

Okay, it's time for beddy. Gouda Nite and "Ciao"! ^__^

New Hair, Creambath, and Pain

2005-03-21T22:55:00.000+07:00

Hmmm...do I look nicer?

Ummm....I think so. Or, do I just look different instead of nicer? Well, whatever! I like it and feel pretty comfortable with it. Those what count :)

So, I've got a new hair style. Well, it still has the same length, it's just the style that makes me look rather different. I had it cut 3 days ago, on Saturday afternoon to be precise. Actually, I didn't plan to have any hair cut when I went to see my hair-dresser. My first plan was only to have a hair creambath as it's been a long time since I last had it. It was like 6 or 8 months ago. I had neglected my hair treatment for long, so I just thought it was time to give a little attention. Besides, the idea of having my head, shoulders, and arms massaged was really tempting.

I hadn't been feeling well since morning and had a headache, so I thought having a creambath would make me better and release me from the pain in my head and back. At the first 45 minutes, I really felt relaxed. The salon's staff put some hair vitamins on my hair while massaging my head slowly. I really enjoyed it that I almost fell asleep. I then started to feel that the pain in my head was going away.

After about 1 hour, she moved to my shoulders and back. I felt even better when she did some work on those parts. Once in a while she stopped to spread some massage lotion on her palms. She then moved to my arms and hands. When she reached those parts, for the first few minutes I felt okay, but then as minute by minute passed by , I started to feel uncomfortable because she put too much power on massaging me. When I was about to tell her to do it lighter she suddenly reduced her power. I felt okay again then.

Having done with my hands and shoulders, she asked me to move to another chair for a hair steam. So, there I was sitting on a chair with a hair steamer on my head. The steam treatment took about 20 minutes. After that, she put the machine away and gave me more massage on my head. It took almost 2.5 hours to finally finish the main parts of creambathing. Then, my hair was washed, and she splashed some hair tonic on my hair-scalp afterwards. The next step was hair-drying. While my hair was being dried by the salon's staff, my hair-dresser, who happens to be the owner of the salon looked at me, asked me if I wanted a hair-cut. I said I didn't as I wasn't planning for any hair-cut. But then, he offered me a free hair-cut. I was suprised that he offered me that. Well, he's my aunt's friend, so I shouldn't be surprised. But in fact, I did. My aunt, who was also there to have her hair highlighted, suggested me to take the offer. I then reluctantly answered "yes".

It took him only like 5 or 10 minutes to cut my hair with a special knife. I always like watching him in action with all the tools in his hands. When he finished, he looked at my image in the mirror in front of me to make sure he had done everything well. Then, he did a little some trimming here and there. He checked his work in the mirror again, and then smiled. That's the sign the he's satisfied with his work. He said I would look nice with my new hair. I smiled back at him and and told him I liked my new style. I don't know what the name is, for I'm not really into hair-styles, but I like it.

Since he was kind enough to offer me a free hair-cut, I decided to pay for it and the creambath too. I know that I should have felt okay with the free service, but I just couldn't feel that way. So, I just told him that I would pay all and I insisted to do so. He finally agreed.

I felt great with my new hair, but as I reached home, I started to feel some pain in my head. It grew stronger minute by minute. I then decided to go to my room and laid my head on my pillow as I couldn't take the pain anymore. I missed my dinner because of it.

When I woke up, I directly jumped out of my bed and looked at my watch. Darn! It was already 9:15 pm. I had an appoinment with Carla to go to Desperado. I promised her that I would be ready around 9:30 p.m. as she would pick me up then. Luckily, things went okay and we made it to go there.

The next day, on Sunday morning, I felt my body hurt, especially on my shoulders, arms, and hands. I had to cancel my private teaching because of that. I then tried to get more rest by lying in my bed. After thinking for some minutes, I figured it out that it must be the "too powerful" massage I had on Saturday.

I still felt the pain this morning when I was at work, but it wasn't as bad as yesterday. What a massage! What a pain!

I still like creambath time, though. Hehehe.... *wink*

Co-workers

2005-03-17T21:39:00.000+07:00

Phew! What a tiring day.

Things went pretty well today, though I yawned many times at the office. Well, in fact it wasn't only me who felt sleepy. I noticed some of my friends at work yawned even more than me. Glad to know that I wasn't alone :-P hehehe...

Despite my sleepiness, I felt a bit relaxed this morning as I didn't have to deal with 4 classes in a row and running here and there, moving from Senior High School to Kindergarten unit, then to Elementary, and finally to Junior High School unit. It's the first day of School's Easter holiday. So happy that I can give my voice a break. :-)

I spent my time at work checking my students' quizzes, a very thick pile of quizzes. *overwhelmed* It has made me crazy to see that thick pile these past few weeks, for I haven't had much time to spare for checking and correcting due to my unbelievable tight schedule. Well, I love the teaching much and do enjoy it, but whenever it comes to those "2C" work.... *aarrrgggghhhh* Checking and correcting the writing quizzes of 11 classes ( 10 are high school) often make me dizzy. I wish I had a machine which did all the "2C" for me. *wink*

While doing my "2C" things, I had a nice chat with my co-workers. We commented on a news we just read in the newspaper, talked about women's stuffs, shared stories about our bad experiences with men and how annoying they could be, and laughed about silly things we did in the past. It's just good to be able to get together again like we used to when our teaching schedule wasn't this crazy.

There are only 7 full-timers including me, all females. My 6 co-workers are really funny, crazy, considerate, nice, and helpful. Well, maybe I'm not describing them my best as there are still more to say, both good and bad, but I like these 6 super women I work with. It's good to find out new side of them each time we get together. It makes us closer each day.

For me, they are one of a few reasons that makes me keep this job after my big love for teaching and my students. Well, the amount of money I get plays an important part, but it's not the biggest thing. The people I work with certainly hold a bigger role in making me stay in the company. Why should working with a bunch of people who can't get along with me and make me stressed, no matter how big my salary is.

So, here are a few lines about my co-workers:
1. They make me laugh when I can't even smile.
2. They drive me home when nobody picks me up at work.
3. They accompany me buying our fav drink at our fav cafe in front of school.
4. They know what to do in difficult situation.
5. They can be loud if they have to.
6. They bother me with unimportant things.
7. They make jokes on some naughty things ^__+
8. They share me their food and drinks when I don't have any. (hehehehe)
9. They are........themselves.

I luv them.
:-)

Books & Reading

2005-03-16T21:56:00.000+07:00

"Books"

I love them so much. Well, I believe there are so many people out there who love them as much as I do, or maybe even more. Everyone must have their particular kind of books that they like though. I don't know what others' favourites are, but I surely love novels and comics much. Well, I actually like many kinds of books, including magazines and newspaper. But if someone put a science book, a psychology book, a magazine, and a comic book in front of me and asked me to choose one, I would surely pick the last one without thinking twice.

"Reading"

It's one thing I can't ever live without. I always spend some hours a day for reading. For some people reading is a boring thing to do, but for me it's as important as eating and drinking. I'm not sure when I first liked it, maybe I've loved it since I was in elementary school. When I remember back then, I used to buy so many books, especially story books, with the pocket money I got from my father. The ones that I first fell in love with were H.C. Anderson's stories ( a German author, I guess. I'm not really sure about his nationality). After some years, when I was in grade 5, I started to buy a different kind of book. It was Japanese comic book.

I've fallen in love with it since the first time I laid my eyes on "candy - candy". I was really interested with the drawing on its cover. For me, a 10-year-old girl, the drawing was really good. Well anyway, candy-candy was a series comic book. When it was released for the first time here, I didn't buy any of the series at all, for they were pretty expensive. So, I just borrowed them from my friend. I loved the comic even more after reading the first book. There were 9 all, if I'm not mistaken. Candy, Anthony, and Terry are the main characters I remember the most until now.

Up to now, I still love them a lot. I even have quite a collection of Japanese comic books in my room. What I always admire is the drawing, which is really COOL ! I sometimes wish that the characters I read in those comics were real and I could date one of them. Hehehe....I know it's silly, but it's good to fantasize about it once in a while.

Besides comics, I also have quite a big collection of novels, especially harlequin's. I first read them when I was in my first year in university. I've loved them since then. Anyway, I have actually started to read novels since I was in junior high school. I read Maria A. Sarjono's, Mira W., Marga T., Danielle Steele, Sidney Sheldon, Enid Bylton, and a few others (the first 3 are Indonesian writers). I always borrowed them from the school library. It's like I came there three times a week that the librarian knew me quite well and always told me whenever there was a new book coming out.

Now I have some favourite writers, such as Sandra Brown, Nicholas Spark, and Norah Robert. I think they are really good writers. *bow*

For me reading is really entertaining. It really makes me relax. That's why I don't really like to read a sad ending story. Once I read, I feel like I'm taking part in it. I laugh when it comes to the funny part and cry when it comes to the sad and hurtful part. I can really be into the story, if it's really a good one, that I won't even care about things happening around me. I remember when my grandma was still alive, she was sometimes angry that she had to call me loudly like 3 or 4 times when I was enjoying my reading. My sister is often upset too, for I always ignore her whenever she tries to tell me or ask me something whenever I read my favourite comic books or novels. Hahahahaha..pretty annoying, eh?

Reading has helped me a lot in reducing my stress. If I have to pick between watching movie and reading, I will directly pick reading. Without doubt! There are actually so many things that I can get from reading books, like learning about other countries' culture, different kind of people's characteristics, places around the world, other people's experiences, and many more.

The people around me are often surprised on how much I spend my money on novels and comic books every month. I can stand living without new clothes for 6 months, but without books? It's ridiculous.

One of my biggest dreams is to have my own library at home. It will be great to see all collections of my novels, comic books, teaching books, story books, student's reading books, and other kinds of books that I have on a big glass book-shelf. WoW !!!

Dream Job

2005-03-05T23:34:00.000+07:00

Hmmm, I believe some people must have their own dream jobs, while some others don't.

I claim myself as one who belongs to the second group. Well, If I recall, it's hard to remember whether I really had one particular job that I eagerly dreamt of when I was a child. One day, someone asked me what I wanted to be someday when I was in elementary school, and I said I wanted to be a stewardess because I wanted to travel around the world and wore nice uniform. While at another time, when someone asked me the same question, I gave him or her a different answer. So, I never had any particular dream job.

Later, when I was in senior high, I got the same question and answered that I didn't know what I would be someday, but I wanted a job that would give me a good living and made me happy. Since then, I gave the same answer to anyone asking me such question.

So, here I am now, a teacher, working for an institution that provides language-education service, particularly English, to private schools. It never popped into my head that I would ever be a teacher someday, even when I was still studying at the English Department of a famous private university out here. Well, I did some teaching job, but only privately, as a private lesson teacher. I took that job simply because it was the best choice for a student of teacher's training faculty, for most private English teachers at that time earned good money. Well, we still do.

I imagined I would be working in a big company, perhaps an international one, as a secretary or an office staff, after I graduated from university. However, as people always say that people change. Doing private teaching has brought me to another teaching work in a language institution, in a tax office, in a private college, and now at MLT, my present work place. I never planned for any of them, but as time goes by....I've become really attached to teaching.

Presently, I have 2 jobs. Well, both are still related to teaching. I am a teacher's coordinator, that's my full time job, and am a private lesson teacher, which I take as a side-job. It keeps my hands full to have these 2 jobs. I leave for work early in the morning and go back home in the evening. It's crazy to have 7 hectic days. Though it's very tiring, I used to feel okay it, especially considering the amount of money I got. However, I don't feel the same anymore.

A year ago, I thought my present work place would be my final destination and didn't think much of moving to another place. I said to myself, "this is the place. I belong here." I enjoyed teaching so much back then. I was really full of spirit, though I taught about 11 classes in a week. Everyone at school, my co-workers, and others would always find me smiling,I mean real smiles, the kind of smiles come out from my deepest heart.

Well, I still love teaching and still smile to everyone I meet at school, but I've been feeling that I sometimes do that simply for courtesy. At certain times, especially when I have to teach 6 classes in a row without getting enough time to rest my back and voice and take a deep breath, I realize that I don't give my best teaching performance and show my best health condition, not like I used to.

It's just crazy that this year, my 2nd year, I have 13 classes to teach, and not to mention my new responsibilities as a coordinator. Well, They give me this ridiculous workload because there's a schedule change made by the kindergarten unit, and they told me that they can't find a better candidate. Besides, I'm a full timer, so I should be ready for whatever things they want me to do. I never thought that things would be like this when I decided to sign the contract. They told me that I wouldn't teach as many classes as last year because I got a new position as a coordinator. Yeah right! I shouldn't have taken their words for granted.

Speaking frankly, I love the place where I work and some of the people I work with. The manager is actually fine and quite considerate, but I just hate myself sometimes that I am a dependable person. I often find it hard to say "no". I do realize that I'm engaged to the contract I've signed and I've got some responsibilities on my shoulders, but how unfair it is to be in my position, no matter how much they pay me. It's really stressing. I'm going crazy.

Gosh! I've never been such a complainer before. And now look what I've become!

Now, I doubt it that this is the place where I belong. I doubt that this is the job which I always thought when I was a teen, the one that makes me happy. I'm not that happy anymore. I'm not even sure myself that I will keep this job for another 3 or 4 years like the idea I used to put in mind. I've complained my manager about my crazy workload. He said sorry that he had put me in this condition, but he didn't have other choices.

Well, I believe he did have other choices, but you know...taking the easiest way with the least effort will always be most people's favourite.

Despite all the stress I've been feeling lately, luckily I still have my nice, sweet, weird, loud, smart, funny, crazy, and naughty students . They are a very important detail that binds me in this teaching job. If it neither because of them nor because I always love teaching, I might have quit last year.

Things may be changed, but I don't know. I shall see what they will offer me in my next renewal contract. And for the time being, I'll just hang on here and do my best. Besides, the knowledge and experience I've got are 2 priceless things I should put into my consideration for now.

Well, if people ask me now about my dream job, I'll probably answer, " I want a job that fits my skill, challenges me to improve myself, makes me happy, and of course gives me a good living."

^__^

Untittled

2005-03-04T08:33:00.000+07:00

Hold it!
Keep holding!
You can do it! I know you can.
You always can
You've been holding it for long
You just need to hold it for a while more

We can go to our heavenly heaven then

I know!
I'm trying here
Can't you see?
I'm working on it..with my last strength

Try harder!
You said you would always hold it
For the rest of your eternal life
You promised you would
Don't give it up!
I'm begging you
I'm on my knees
Please......

I said I'm trying!
Don't you see?
I'm holding it with my tortured small hands
.....................with my painful thin legs
.....................with my bleeding little heart

Please
Hold it
Even just for another while
Don't let it fall
Just don't let it....

I won't let it
I don't want to
But...
My hands are trembling hard
My legs are shaking badly
My heart is bleeding too much
I can't bear it
I can't hold it
I'm getting weaker
I'm all worn out
I'm torn apart

Let me rest
Let them rest
My poor trembling hands
My poor shaking legs
My poor bleeding heart

P-l-e-a-s-e....
I'm falling
I'm vanishing

I can't

I just c-a-n-'t

"Bastard" ~ Taking Action

2005-02-28T12:56:00.000+07:00

I was extremely angry after hearing such rubbish. I know I was really emotional that I didn't even bother myself to think twice when I dialled his cell number. I was super ready to say everything I had in my head, but it wasn't him who answered. It was aunt sisca. WoW! What a 'pleasant' surprise! I was really disappointed with her as well. I thought she was someone worth respecting. Well, I was truly wrong. Her love for that piece of rubbish had blinded her.

So, I directly got to the point in telling her what had actually happened between him and me and made it clear to her that I was really mad with everything I'd just found out. I thought keeping it all for myself would be the best thing.

She was surprised to hear me talking to her like that, for she knew me as an independent young woman who was nice and sweet. Well, she didn't know me well enough! From most of her answers it was obvious that she tried to defend him as much as she could, but I refused to take it all easy. Asking me to forget everything and just leave all behind?! Gosh! What the hell she was thinking? If it concerned me myself, I might not give a damn, but it concerned my mother. MOM! The one person whom I love much, who has suffered enough in her life. How come she expected me to shut my mouth up knowing everyone behaving nicely in front of me and mom and pretended they knew nothing while in fact they insulted her behind her back. And truly hated the idea of some gossipers, who happened to be my relatives spreading lies about us.

They thought they were dealing with a young innocent woman who could be fooled easily with a few nice comforting words. Ha ha ha!!! Where did they get that idea?

For a few days aunt sisca kept trying to ask me forget the problem, but I insisted to clarify things. I requested to have a meeting, aunt sisca, her niece, him, and myself, together in a room. Finally, after a week, she agreed to do so, but she wanted to have it at her place. So, there we were in her living room. I let her talk first and said whatever she wanted to say. Then I came up with all truths, which some of them were denied by that super jerk. Gosh ! How dare him! Still denying things which obviously were the facts.

I just wanted to test you.
It hurt my ego as a man when you said, " I don't wanna waste my time for men who don't even know what they want in life, who hide behind their manly properties, and who're proud of themselves for being good-looking and having a wealthy family." So, I had kept it all in my mind since then and promised myself that I wanted to make you fall on your knees and beg for my attention.
Luckily I realized that it was a wrong thing to do the test on you. Therefore, I decided to stop it before I really made you fall in love with me, for I noticed that you were going that way.
And the fact that you're sisca's relative made me feel bad doing it.

GOSH!!! What shits were those?

Luckily I could provide convincing facts with 3 witnesses, my sister and my 2 close friends. I told them every single word of his craps as well. Luckily I remember them all. He couldn't say much then. I could even see aunt sisca turned red when she heard those things. Ha ha ha!!! Gotcha!

I told him afterwards, "Wow! What a guy you are, huh! Experimenting your ego-theory on young women. You must have got some satisfaction from it. Cool! Should I admire you for that?!"

"I've got a few questions. What do you get from your test? Pride?"
"Does it always feel good to do such a thing?"

"Well, I thought you were a nice mature guy that I foolishly let myself deceived by your fake behaviour and smiles."
"I thought I was doing a good thing by receiving your calls and listening to your problems."
"Darn! How stupid I was!"
"Luckily I refused all your outing offers.""Luckily I didn't let your fake charms contaminating me deeper."
"I just can't imagine what other lies you would make up!"

"And one thing, whatever kind of men I like and whatever I think about them is none of your business!"

I felt such a great relief that night after making all things clear to everybody. I know that at that very moment I should have regretted it that I ever knew him, but I didn't. In fact, I was truly greatful that I knew such a guy in my life. If I hadn't experienced it, I would have never known that there were guys like him in this world.

I really learnt my lessons.

"Bastard" ~ Knowing The Truth

2005-02-26T21:30:00.000+07:00

Someone whom once I knew charming and nice in fact is just a big jerk!

One night, a phone-call woke me up. It was about midnight and I was already asleep. Well, my fault that I didn't turn my cell-phone off. When I looked at the caller-ID, I knew it was him calling. I let it ring for some minutes before I finally decided to answer it.

From his voice, it was clear that he was a bit drunk.

"How many glasses did you have?"

"I don't know. I didn't count. Maybe about 2 bottles."

"So, what's wrong?" I directly got to the point.

He then told me that he was depressed. He had some probs with his business and personal things. I didn't comment much as I thought it would be useless to talk much to a drunk guy. I decided not to give any comment either when he said that it was partly my fault that I always had my excuses whenever he asked me out.

"I need a hug. I need someone to comfort me. I want you."

I didn't want to take the bait. Why would make things more complicated than it had been? So, I just let him say whatever he wanted.

"I know that 2 bottles are nothing to you. But you know they won't help you solve things."

"I know. But I can't help it."

"Well, I know how much you like drinking, but you've gotta stop it. You can't get away from your problems. Face them! Life isn't easy. You just have to deal with it and find the ways out. "

He seemed to take everything I said and admitted that he was wrong and I was right. After almost an hour, I decided to end our conversation. I couldn't talk longer as it was almost 2 a.m. He said he was sorry to wake me up in the middle of the night, but he had nobody else to talk to..so he just had to call me.

I guess my frequent refusals and reluctance had made him really mad that one day he sent me an sms which sounded ridiculously absurd. I sent him a reply afterwards, asking why on earth he did that. I hated him the very moment he wrote me all those shits. I was really angry that I directly dialled his cell number. I definitely wanted an explanation.

DAMN him! He turned off his cell-phone. Damn childish!

Since then, it was very hard to contact him. I tried calling and sending him sms, but nothing worked out. He turned off his cell most of the time. I even thought that he had changed his cell number. Darn! I couldn’t stand it. I hated it that I was left without any explanation. I’d been nice to him, listened to all his problems, and treated him properly. And look what he did!!!

Well, if he expected me to leave my boyfriend or even worse...cheated on him for a man with his quality, he could go to hell! I was really eager to punch him with my own two hands.

It took me almost 3 months to get over it. I still met him occasionally in family gatherings since then, but I didn't want to talk to him, even just for small talks. It's just too bad that I still had to behave like nothing happened in front of my family and relatives. That's why I always had excuses not to come to parties and gatherings as I wasn't sure that I could really control myself from punching his nose.

I thought that things were over and everything was okay, but in fact I was completely wrong. I found out the truth one evening, when aunt sisca's niece was staying at my place for a night. My sister, she, and I were talking about our relative who had just married a man of her parents' choice. I don't remember how we finally got into talking about 'him', but what I heard really made me angry.

I was after him for almost 2 years.
I made calls almost every night so that I got more chances to talk to him.
I showed my special feeling for him very obviuosly that made him a bit annoyed.
I begged him to ask me out simply to be able to stay around him as much as possible.
I was mad at him when he didn't invite me at his small b'day party that I avoid talking to him in some gatherings and parties held after the day.
I kept calling him even after I knew that his status was still 'married'. (Gosh! I didn't know about this at all. The last time I heard he was divorcing)

Damn Bastard! He had spread all those rubbish to some of my close relatives that he always hung out with. And the worse was they had been talking about it all behind my back for months and felt pity for my mother for having a daughter like me. Darn! How dare him turned all facts into dirty lies!!! I should have known that he's just nothing but a real jerk!

What a truth!

"Bastard" ~ Finding Conscience

2005-02-23T00:13:00.000+07:00

It’s always easy to lose yourself in the game.

“What’s your plan today?”

“I’m going to the book store. I need to get some books, and then I’m going to my private student’s place. Why asking?”

“Hmmm....Can I catch you there?”

“I don’t think it’s a good idea. I won’t be long there.”

“It’s okay. I need to talk about something. We can do it while you’re searching for the books you want.”

“Well, I don’t think you can catch me there on time. I’ll probably have left the place by the time you arrive.”

“I won’t.”

“Well, if you insist.....Fine.”

It surprised me that he managed to get there fast. I was about to leave the bookstore when he came. For a moment, I just stared at him. I was thinking that he was just wasting his time catching me on last minutes.

He stared back at me, longer than he should. I felt a bit awkward as it was the first time I saw him again after some months of phone-talks. Hard to believe, huh? Well, it is, but that’s what happened. I always had my excuses to refuse his offers of going out. No matter how much I enjoyed talking with him, I didn’t want to let it go any further. I have to admit that I was a bit carried away with the situation he set up, but I couldn’t let myself cheat on my boyfriend. I just couldn’t.

"Hi. I was about to leave."

"Thanks for not leaving sooner. I tried to be as fast as I could."
"I could have got here faster if my car hadn't been fixed. So, I decided to take a taxi."

"I see."

"Hmmm...you look thinner. Are you sick?"

"Nope. It's just too much work lately."
"Seems like your hair has grown longer. Feel like playing in a band again?"

"Naah. Nothing particular. I just don't feel like having it cut."

"Okay."
"Anyway, I've got to rush. I'm teaching my private student in 30 minutes."
"Sorry that it has taken you long to get here just for nothing. I can't stay longer. I don't wanna be late."

"Are you going to take a 'bemo'?"

"I planned so, but it seems that I have to get a taxi if i don't wanna be late."

"Where's your student's home?"

"It's in Nirwana Eksekutif. Why?"

"Hum, how about me dropping you there as I wanna go to my friend's place."
"He lives nearby your student's. So, we are on the same direction. I'm taking a taxi anyway."

After thinking for a moment, I finally agreed. So, we both got out of the bookstore and tried to find a taxi. When I was trying to cross the street, he just suddenly grabbed my left hand and held it tightly in his and dragged me. I was stunned. What's this?! I'm capable enough to cross the street!

I didn't like that treatment. Well, I know it's just a simple thing. I shouldn't have made a fuss on it, but I couldn't help it. I never like 'a super gentleman' attitudes, particularly from a guy who's not even my close friend yet. It wasn't even a busy street. I wanted to protest, but then I just forgot the idea as it wouldn't look nice to do it in front of public. So, I just followed him into the taxi he managed to stop.

It was rather awkward inside the cab. He was trying to keep my hand in his, but I could feel that he was unsure about it himself. I felt uncomfortable with the situation, so I decided to take the inisiative of cutting the contact. I then tried to behave as normal as I could and he did too. However, I refused to have too many eye-contacts as the way he stared at me was like he could swallow me at once. Well, we weren't strangers at all, especially after so many phone calls we had, and I shouldn't have felt uneasy with everything. But, it was just different to face it myself, I mean doing it face to face. Gosh! I'm not trying to deny anything, but I wasn't ready for that at all. Honestly, I didn't even want to prepare myself for any further feelings nor moves.

Since then, he tried to make more contacts. I remember once, it was his birthday. I didn't know about it at all, not untill he called and told me that it was his big day. So, I just wished him a happy birthday and wished him success. After some small talks, he said that he was having a small celebration with some of his friends in a pretty famous club in town and invited me to join. I could hear the sound of music and people talking over the phone. I hesitated for a moment, but then decided to refuse it with the most reasonable excuse I could think of. He tried to change my mind by offering a pick up. Well, the idea of going out and relaxing after some weeks of crazy work schedule was actually tempting. However, it sounded risky for me. Hanging out with his friends who might knew my relative 'aunt sisca' was absolutely a bad idea. I didn't want to make any troubles and misunderstandings, which would involve my family and put our good relationship at risk. Aunt Sisca seemed to have a big crush on him and in fact she still is. I once caught her staring at my other relative who was having a chat with him. It was a sort of "stay away from him" stare. I disliked the idea of making her jealous. So, I finally made him accept my refusal. I knew he was really disappointed, but he just had to accept it.

A week after his birthday, I started to feel annoyed by him. He became more demanding and began to show some jealousy. He asked whom I went out with and whether I went out with my male or female friends. And what I hated the most was he requested me to speak to him in a softer tone just like what he did. Darn! What the hell! He's not even my boyfriend. Well, my boyfriend never asked me such a rediculous thing. Gosh ! I just couldn't believe what I heard.

"What?! Don't ever ask me to change the way I speak. Nobody ever complains about it. Besides, I think my tone is okay. You just have to take it!"

I don't remember what it was exactly that made me change the whole ideas about him, but I came to realize that allowing him to get closer to me, even as a friend, was a big mistake.

"Bastard" ~ Loosing Conscience

2005-02-08T22:47:00.000+07:00

"Anyone knows that I'm calling you at the moment?"
That's what he asked me after talking for almost an hour on the phone.

"Nope. Only my sister."

"Good. Keep it that way! At least for now."

"Why?"

It sounded strange to me that he wanted to keep his call as a secret. It just didn't make sense....OR....maybe I was actually worried that a part of myself was right.

"Nothing. Just wondering if anyone in the house knows that I'm the one you are talkimg with. Well, you know how narrow-minded people can be sometimes."

"Well, I don't see anything wrong with this. We're just t-a-l-k-i-n-g. Everyone here knows you quite well. So, why should worrying about it. I don't understand."

"Please don't get it wrong. I just don't want any misunderstanding, at least not now. "

"But........"

"Please, don't argue this time. Okay?"

"I still don't get it. But, okay. I'll just do it your way this time," I finally gave my agreement.

We continued talking for another 30 minutes, then I decided to cut the call as it was really late and I needed my beddy. After hanging up the phone, I stood in the silence for a while.....trying to figure out what was happening. There was a voice in my head saying, " Are you crazy?! He's your aunt's friend!"

"So what? What's wrong with it? I'm not doing anything wrong. It was just a call from a friend of the family. Besides, he's a nice person."

"Oh, Come on ! Don't be so naive! Do you think his intention is just like the idea you have in your stupid brain?!"

"I'm not naive! I'm almost 23. I can decide things for myself."
"And..Don't exaggerate things! I don't even have any feelings for him...not something more than friendship. Well, I take him as a friend now. So, stop telling me about what's wrong and right!"

Since then, he made frequent calls both to my cell-phone and home numbers. He sent me sms almost every day as well. Most of them were just saying 'hi', asking how my day's going, and telling me how his day had been. After a few days receiving his calls and sms, I got used to that big change he was making between us. In fact, after some time, his calls were more on telling me his problems and asking me for a second opinion.

When I remember back then, I used to be the kind of person who helped anybody I knew without thinking much about myself as well as the consequences . I was a girl who always thought positively about the people around me. My best friend often told me not to be so naive and not to believe people blindly. Well, I guess that's why I didn't feel his calls annoying or something. Frankly, I felt glad that I could help.

How naive I was!

Things went deeper after some months. He became addicted to calling me almost every night when everyone in the house was already asleep. He told me almost everything he was thinking and feeling. I sometimes felt like a counselor who was listening to her client's problem, but I was okay with it.

Six months frequent calls might have given him the thought that he was getting closer to me. So, he started to ask me about my boyfriend, about how my relationship was going, and how my feelings were for him. It surprised me that he wanted to know much about it all, for he had never asked that before.

“Why are you asking?”
“My boyfriend and I are okay. Well, we haven’t been in touch much lately, but things are fine.”

“Naah, nothing particular. I was just wondering. Good if things are okay between you.”
“Do you think long-distance relationship works out well anyway?”

“Well, I have no guarantee that mine is going to work out fine, but my boyfriend and I are working on it. So, why not giving it a try?”

He didn’t ask more about my bf after that answer I gave him. Instead, he told me that talking to me made him felt better and happier, that I had become an important part of his life, and that he felt really lucky to get to know me. (Yeah right!)

THAT was shocking. To me, it sounded like something. For a moment, I didn’t know how to react. It was such a big change. He had never said things as straightly and clearly as that before.

“Excuse me? What was that supposed to mean?"

“Ummm....just wanted you to know you’ve given me such a big help. You’re really something. That’s all I can tell you.”

“Well, you’re most welcome. Glad I can help.”

After our last conversation, his calls sounded more seductive, but I didn’t take them as seriously as they should be. Instead, I often took most them as jokes, which made him upset sometimes. Well, I’ve got to admire how smoothly and cleverly he expressed his intention in words that it sometimes scared me. Words! He’s just really good with them. To me, he didn’t sound like any widower with 2 children, or maybe he was the only widower I knew quite well that I didn’t have anyone to compare. I often forgot that he had been married once.

Things started to get a bit out of hands. On his side, talking to me had become a need. While on my side, I often had this strange feeling, like there was something missing if he failed to call or send sms. Well, I never meant to lead things between him and me into something further or deeper (though I knew clearly that his intention was there), but he took my acceptance of his calls as a ‘yes’ sign.

Gosh! What the hell I was thinking? I guess I was loosing my conscience.

Stupid, eh? But I couldn’t help it.

"Bastard" ~ How it all started

2005-01-23T01:40:00.000+07:00

There is this guy. He's a friend of the family. Well, he's originally the friend of a relative. If I am to describe him...he's got average weight, average height for Indonesian male, wavy shoulder-length black hair, and big seductive black eyes. On a first sight, I can say that he's “NoT BaD”.

People, especially females who know him would describe him as ‘charming’. Honestly, I used to have the same opinion. His nice voice is even a plus to make females, both teenagers and adults..even children fall for him. What a property, eh?! In fact, he's a singer. He used to be a lead vocalist of a band. He still sings occasionally. Well, shortly, he's got things that girls like.

The first time I saw him was in a family & friends’ gathering about 5 or 6 years ago. He came with my relatives. My first impression was he’s pretty cool and good looking. I was a bit curious about who he was. I thought at first that he was one of my relatives’ boy friend, for the way they talked to each other and looked at each other were different. But I found out later that he’s just a friend.

As time passed by, the whole family, except me, got to know him better as one of my closest relatives, whom I usually call “Aunt Sisca”, always came with him to almost every gathering and party that our family held. However, I never talked to him much, not more than sharing small talks as I didn’t see the importance of it. So, most of his personal details I got were from everybody in the family, including that he’s been married before and was in the process of filing a divorce. He’s also got 2 children.

“WoW! Really?”

That’s what I told myself. It was quite surprising as he looked too young for a married man with 2 kids. I didn’t know his age, but I guessed that he must be 25 or so. Not long after that I knew that he got married when he was 20 or 21. It was a ‘married by accident’. His wife was already pregnant for 5 or 6 months before he finally took the responsibility of marrying her.

So, because of his frequent presence in family’s parties and gatherings, I automatically knew him deeper. He was nice, loving, helpful, entertaining, considerate, and ..charming. I could have had a crush on him as I had almost all reasons for it, except two. The first reason was I already had a boy friend, and the other one was I didn't feel anything special. Besides, I never had the thought of having a crush on a widower. Gosh ! Why should I? There are so many young single guys out there.

After 1.5 years, his presence had become ‘a must’. Everybody liked him because of his nice personality and required him to come. He sometimes sang on a karaoke....with my aunts, uncles, and mother to entertain all. Whenever my aunts, some close relatives, and I were out somewhere, he was always there. I then got used to his presence. We often had nice chats and good arguments on some interesting topics. But later on, I felt something different in the way he looked at me during our chats. His eyes looked......I didn’t know how to describe them, but I started to question myself what they meant. I was thinking that he might have a crush on me or something, but then I washed that thought away from my mind. I told myself, “ Naaahhh. Don’t exaggerate! He’s just being nice. That’s how he looks at and treats every creature called woman. Besides, he’s my aunt’s friend, a widower, so it’s impossible that he’s got other intention.” So, I kept telling myself that there was nothing special in his behaviour. I was a bit uneasy dealing with his eyes, smiles, and moves at first, but then I tried to get used to them and behaved normally.

Time flew by.

I didn't take most of his stares and moves uneasily anymore. In fact, we both got along very well, just like friends. Everything went okay, until one day we exchanged cell-phone number. I don't remember how it started, but I agreed to give my number simply because I thought it was a normal thing to do. Besides, we had known for almost 2 years. I never thought that giving him my number was a huge mistake.

One day, a few weeks after exchanging number, I sent him an sms. It was one with a funny story which I got from a friend. I'm not sure what made me do it, but I meant it just for fun, for I sometimes forwarded some funny sms I got from friends to my other friends. Not long after sending it, he sent me a reply. I don't remember what he wrote exactly, but it was a sort of "Hi. What are you doing? and blah blah blah..."

I then replied his message and told him that I was at my aunt's place. I thought he would stop replying after a few other sms, but I was wrong. A few minutes after sending my last reply, my cell-phone rang. It was him calling. I was a bit surprised, but I didn't have any strange thoughts about it. So, I just answered it. We talked for a while over the phone. It was just a normal talk, nothing special. When I was about to end the conversation, he asked me if he could call me again in the evening that day. I said, "OKAY".
If I think about it now, WHAT AN ANSWER it was!!....coming out from a stupid innocent girl!

That stupid answer then trapped me in an evil web, which ruined my days later, even just for a moment. I should have known that this bastard had actually set a bad plan for me.

DAMN!

That evening, he did call me. As usual, he spoke to me in his nice charming way. It was a nice talk, but we didn’t talk long as it was really expensive to talk over the cell-phone. Before I hung up, he said that he wanted to chat more and asked me my cousin’s home number. So, I just gave it to him. Hmmm...speaking about analyzing myself now....Why did I let him lengthen our conversation? I think it's because I enjoyed talking with him much. He was a really good listener and advisor. Maybe he still is. Well, to be frank, this stupid young woman was actually letting herself fall into a trap.

It was a pretty nice normal chat we had on the phone that nite. Well, it wasn't special at all, but I laughed much. He did, too. To speak the truth, I actually felt a bit strange there...deeeeep in my heart. I mean having a chat, just the two of us...and on the phone. It had never crashed into my mind before. I had never talked with him without other people's presence. Honestly, there was a little argument between me and my conscience. A part of me tried to take that different move of him normally, but my other self warned me that it was just.......not right.

He's my aunt's friend, someone who lately seems to have a secret affair with Aunt Sisca, a married woman who happens to be having a marriage problem with her husband. He’s actually not the best choice to hang out with, although he's only 4 years older than me.

However, this silly girl preferred to ignore it and just took it all easy.

"Pagi"

2005-01-14T04:56:00.000+07:00

"Met Pagi"
(Good Morning)

Opening my eyes and taking a deep breath....

Feel the fresh morning air.

Looking at the ceiling and think, " What's the day?"

" Ah, it's Saturday"

*sigh & relieved*

I'm smiling to myself. ^__^ "Cool! No rushing. No early shower"

Lying in bed again and hugging my pillow, I'm thinking of the new comics I read last night before beddy.

“hahahahaha...." remembering some of the funny and stupid scenes in "HEART". Well, it's not a 'that' good comic book, but I like it. The drawing itself is good, especially the male characters. And the female character...."Yume" Hmmm, she's super duper stupid, innocent, and clumsy.....but underneath it all, she's got pure loving heart. So, that's the point! - H E A R T -

And today, in this relaxing morning...just another Saturday morning, my heart is fine.

I'm smiling again. ^________^ This time, a big one.

This is how my mornings should be. Relaxing and Comforting. My favourite part of the day.

It feels good to lay my head on my comfey big pillow. It's like I can think of all my dreams and wishes...picture myself in the future. How would it be? How would it feel like?

^_____^ another smile

I think it would be great. I would feel good.

"Am I a dreamer? Do you think?"

Well, in a way...I think I am.

"Aren't we dreamers?" I asked myself.

Dreamers of our own dreams?